Love still hurts past youth

  A long time ago, back in my campus days (it's long back, believe me), I had an immense crash on a boy in my class. There was nothing unique about him, except that he was a virgin, did not consume alcohol, was constantly loaded and ... he crashed on me first, long before I even noticed he existed. And that is how I found myself falling in raw love - unprotected with no need of protecting my heart because, what could this harmless guy do to hurt me? (rolls eyes disgusted at my then naivety). And just like that, my sun rose and set in this guy's eyes. Let me ruin the end of this story - the only good thing that came out of it is that I can brag with them rest of the boys, that I broke someone's virginity (is it breaking when the boy is the virgin?)

Anyway, back to the story, the boy cheated with a woman in my class that I found so much pleasure in calling 'ugly cheetah' after a bout of chicken pox immediately after she snatched 'the love of my life'. I digress, again, sorry about that, this is not about her. This is about 4 years or so later, when I somehow bumped into this man, whom I somewhat believed that I still loved. We met in church! (rolling eyes the second time). We got talking and within a span of hours, I was girlfriend again, better, he still had the same woman so I was just taking back what I believed to be mine! we went for a date and 2 days later we were cooking a meal in his house, (a very tastefully decorated house on a scale of other African men, so congratulations man, if you ever get to read this. sorry for this digress, it's the only compliment to the said man in this post, so it is necessary). As would be expected, this was the night we were to connect in every way possible. We had our little foreplay, kissing, hugging, laughing... next thing we are in bed and this man unleashes his....(where are the drums?)... pinkie! (Whoever called a small dick a pinkie will burn in hell for sure). Let me say, I looked at this man and I started wondering why I was hang up on this for the last 4 years! I could not believe that I had been so blinded by love that I had never noticed that I used to cum from a pinkie! Needless to say, I left the same night with the love replaced by respectable disgust! you have to have some real guts to cheat on a woman when you possess such a dick!

Why did I tell you this story? simple, to reiterate what I have always believed and said, that this love thing is all in the mind. (If you don't believe it, you need to re-read this post, the only way(s) you love a man with a pinkie is if it's in your mind or you are bewitched). 

Remember this god man that I have always ranted about here? well, his presence has been felt recently... don't ask, maybe one day I will tell you. Anyway, classic him, I have to shed tears once in a while, but I swear today I am done (please don't count the number of times I have been done with him). I'm looking for a brain therapist that can switch him off my mind because I cannot be thirty something and crying, this is classic bullshit!

I got married!!!!!!

That's right! I'm a one week old wife! not a cliche wife, a real wife...gold ring, white gown, yellow and white flowers, a pastor, a band... all the necessary ingredients to proclaim to the world that you are taken!

But (I know we should not start sentences with 'but' leave alone paragraphs, but then when was this blog ever about grammar prowess?) I was saying... But, I am a very predictable person. Not wife  as that's yet to be confirmed, but person. Have you guys checked out my last post on this blog? It was in July 2015! I met this dude in August 2016! Seriously!!!!

So last evening, I came home from work, irritated. And as is expected on such a day, I was not in the moods to consummate my marriage (I know; 1 week we should be eating each other up every possible minute, but my moods really did stink yesterday). Anyway, I could barely get any sleep and at around 1am, our conversation drifted to our sexual past. And that's when he casually stated how many years back, he had a girlfriend with whom they did it the whole night until the fluids dried up. Not every night, but every night when they got to be together. His estimation is that they would do it about 15 times per night! you do the math. Assuming they met 10 days a month, and given the hots ofcourse I would expect them to be much more than 10, thats about 150 times a month! MINIMUM!!!! Do you have an idea of how that felt? 

Let's just say, the moods vanished, the guy got some good 2 rounds (and that's only because it was around 2am and I really needed to catch some sleep). I have never felt so jealous! I've never had my juices running so much! where I find this man tonight, he'll do me more than he's ever done me since we met. And yes, I have a score to settle. I have to outdo that biatch! I have to do it 16 times in one day...wait, I have to do it 18 times in one day, that way I will also have outdone my -17 times in one day -record with the ex!

So yes! I got married, and yes, I do make a good wife, and now, I will make a better wife. Thanks to a faceless woman. I admit, I dislike her for being the one who gave him such good times, but I thank her because she's about to make my bedroom a super hot one!

My 3 choices

As you can see, I was here, a few days ago, crying. Senseless crying, dirty crying where both your eyes and nose shed... Ok, sorry, bigger apologies if you were eating but yeah, that's how it was. I was just about ready to go down and be collected from there, thankfully though, my God has ensured that I have enough strength to remain standing.

No, nobody died. When I lost my uncle 2 years ago, I cried just as bitterly, I never managed to attend the burial ceremony, I laid down my flowers 2 days later just before I left for Nairobi again, to resume my busy life and put it behind me. I did, but my uncle has never left me, his memories are so live, the pain of losing him so fresh. It's easy to ignore, but it has never gotten better, it never really will. I guess loss is loss, my cry last Friday sounded almost similar, I'm no longer crying but it isn't better.

So this guy Ben, the only one man, my man for the last 2 and half years, the face of my blessing whenever I'm praying for them, my dream when I slumber, the wish of my soul, the one man every one has warned me about, including me, but I never heeded, the one man I knew the only way to leave him is if he left me, well, the day finally came, the day when he decided I was more of a stress causing factor in his life, what a shame!

I'm not sure if there would have been easier way to break it off with me, but I have a feeling he was trying, coz he did quite some circles. The issue was, I wanted to be a business partner, and he was adamant, I could only be his business partner as a friend, purely that. But my question was, to remain a girlfriend, all I had to do was quit the business? anyway, he finally came up with 3 choices!

I have deleted the entire conversation we've ever had, damn, I even deleted the number even though it's at the tip of my fingers, but for some reason, those 3 choices are stuck in my head, stuck stuck! damn! This is where you wonder if it will get better with time or you will just ignore it and move on with life, just as it happens in the cause of death.

My 3 choices were: to be a friend in business, to be a friend without business, to be an enemy! I know even you are laughing, even I couldn't find where I would ever belong there, I still can't. That day, I managed to say that since I cannot exactly be an enemy because I am no one's enemy, and I can't be a friend, I will just be that person, or that chik, or some chik... I think that is the best choice ever. Better to forget there ever was, even if it's forced memory loss. I'm still in love with that choice, not withstanding that it was communicated in the state named above, thank God for small blessings like a corner booth in an open office!.

Anyway, as I work on getting words off my brain, I've tried to be positive in this. Nothing is ever too big if you are still breathing, right? there are worse losses. There are orphans out there and they do not cry every damn minute, there are widows and widowers and finally, I guess we all know that better a broken relationship than a broken marriage, right? there are a few blessings I'm counting out of this end. They are:

1. It was true love, at least on my side it was. But it was not a marriage, and it was only 2 and half years long. I came to that conclusion when a friend yesterday told me about her friend who got kicked out by the hubby 10 years into the marriage and about 12 years of knowing each other. Case in point; she was unable to bear babies. Talk of a double stab! That's like being stabbed directly into an everlasting wound, it makes my breakup look like baby play. If that is what would have happened to me had I ended with Ben, then is there a bigger blessing than this breakup? too bad we'll never find out. It could have also ended up to be married bliss.. just saying, lets leave the unknown to be just that.

2. I was not pregnant for Ben! This is particularly huge because, had our wishes been granted, I would likely be 2 months pregnant now. I removed the coil about 2 months ago because we wanted to get pregnant, yes! that was a close escape. I would be half dead by now, woi!

3.We had not gotten to a point of dependency, where one of us depended on the other for anything. So besides the dizzying emotional imbalance, my family even had excess for that day and for days to follow, God is our only provider. I will miss on the occasional advice, exposure and encouragement, criticism that makes me grow, but well, the important is catered for and by now, I can propell my own future. Or rather I'm planning to give it my best.

So yes, I'm still mourning, but the tears come less often and they are less fierce. I actually noticed that they were not as bad as the tears I shed when he told me that he was married and he was sorry for going against his 9 year innocent wife. I got over that statement, (though it's still stuck!). And now that I'm on it, a wife seems to have been more bitter than rejection! I drove around for weeks, howling in the car like a woman in labour, eveyone on the road, at work, in my house, could see clearly that I was in mourning. This time, besides a breakdown episode at home on the eve of the d-day, and the free flowing tears at my desk as we did that conversation (a colleague saw that), I have handled the disguise very well. I shed a few tears in the car, mostly in the bathroom, and today, just teared up but nothing really came out. Talk of growing up!

Never the less, I guess in this world, we all need to accept that we can control a few things, but we cannot hope to control people. We can love but it doesn't necessarily mean to be loved back. I might have wanted nothing more than Brian in this world, but clearly he didn't, and I cannot do a thing about it. So I will do my best, and commit my future into the able hands of fate. All I can say is God knows I loved this guy, He also knows I was faithful, He also knows I tried, the rest doesn't matter. This is my life, I gotta live it, dissapointments, broken loves, more dissapointments, failed relationships, trying to be busy to fill the empty sad dissapointed void in me, whatever it takes baby ladybird, you've gotta try love. Cry if you must, but move on you will. What's yours is yours, whats not is not. Tears there... teren teren...

Break time is over, back to graphs and charts, I'm working on a Sunday because a lady has got to do what a lady has got to do. The pain though, waah! It's a cruel cruel cruelest world indeed, very very cruel!

Shame after shame

It's the same old story all over again, shamed once, shamed twice, shamed tenth. But you Jehovah God who is a God with a purpose, please get this cup of shame from me. Whoever it is that I ever wronged, I confess to have had my punishment, it's time to redeem me, please Jehovah God full of Grace and forgiveness, please have mercy  on me

As it is now

I am here by chance, my house which is no longer a home. There is a time this place used to be a place of consolation, to strip naked, expose my maximum, even stretch my legs out for better sight, while hiding my head in the clouds. Nowadays, it's a place I just stumble upon.

I've been looking at my latest posts (latest means this year's), and they are badly written and full of rubbish, yes, they are true, my true life experiences, but rubbish in that they reduce me to a bitch without a life other than that of another human being. No wonder this house has become a ghostly and repelling place...

So, my tale for today is... no tale. I have nothing to tell you because there really is nothing. I'm just happy to be patient because, well, if I'm not what happens? life the way I would have wanted it? I'm trying to be appreciative, I'm trying to have fun and spend quality time with friends, most of who I have recently met, - I have to admit, this has been the height of it, I might have also stolen something forbidden, don't push your imagination too far however.

I'm trying to not let my thoughts go into finances either, coz that arena is a slow one damnit! and last but not least, most important of all actually: I'm learning to pray! One step at a time. I started with appreciating, giving thanks, praising and glorifying God. I'm slowly working on resting my entire faith on Him who can only give me the best, my heavenly Father.

ps: I am curious about prayer and faith. We all know that gayism is unholy and unacceptable if you have any hopes of entering the holy gates one day. But I have a lesbian friend who not only believes and prays constantly, but is also saved and says so. She got divorced because apparently she cannot stand men. For a year, she'd been looking for a female lover, a serious one, with marriage intentions. Now not only is she living her prayers but she's living them in SA with a wonderful lady who adores her and spoils her. (She's originally Kenyan, Kisii tribe but born and brought up in Tanzania). Question is, can you pray to be granted a sin and get it? or did that happen out of sheer luck?

I feel sad, sad very sad indeed. If I had a platform to write that, other than in this house, anonymously and without judgement, I would. I keep wondering why I push things so much, it's ridiculous to think that if I push so much, then eventually I will get. It's stupid to harbour hope for a single item for so long. But then this has held so many Of my dreams,  didn't they say my dreams are valid? You'd think Love is the answer to everything, right? I mean even the Bible declares love to be the start and stop for everything.

Teach me How to Fall in Love

After days of crying, mourning, self pity and all that comes with a breakup with someone you loved...you still love, Ben drops this bombshell, that he is married. Wait! He is not just married, he was married all along, the 2 years of my life that I spent picturing him as my husband, he had a wife all along! That is the day I woke up - grew up - and  I was not about to shed an single extra tear for this man, and whatever belongs to him. It's a vow, I swear even, I will never.

Fast forward 2 weeks later, I start chatting with an ex-colleague, a guy I worked with in the year 2010 and a guy I had not talked to for more than 7 months. The story behind this guys is interesting, he is a trully wonderful guy, clean hearted and an open book. Gets better, since the day I reported to that company, he has always been in love with me! and believe me, I was not a very lovable sight back in 2010, I was still battling baby weight, didn't know how to dress up and assuming I did, I had not even enough money to make my hair twice a month, leave alone buy pretty clothes. But for some reason, this guy who was already earning good money and was exposed to many women; loved me. I also had no time to love at that point, so even after his declaring his love for me countless times, I just smiled his way and wondered what the heck he was on about. By the time I could give someone a chance, he had most likely given up and therefore, the someone was never to be him.

Until some time in 2012 when I gave him a chance, then quit on him after a week of hooking up and a day of visiting his house and finding one week dirty utensils in the sink. I was so disappointed, I helped clean them and left, and that was the last he heard of me. Until 2 weeks ago, I found a memory on facebook where he had declared his love for me and looked him up. Lucky for me (or strangely) this guy was as accommodating as any other time I ever tried calling him up (I have to admit this is a bit scary). We decided go out. Last week I visited his place to pick some few things, and he had spruced it up a little (it's still a junk but it's a better junk now). He says he tried to upgrade for me, mmmhhh...not saying anything.

I believe there are few good guys, even less than few when it comes to what tickles my fancy, but I gotta vouch for this guy, he has it, he is good, he's calm and corrected, he's mature, he earns and he's genuine and quite open. We've not been so close but I feel comfortable in what I know about him. Further, he's ready to take me with him home, not officially (only because I completely refused something official before I am ready for it), but on a disguise event where I can go as a friend and get to meet his family, and I'm guessing figure out if it's the lot I would like to be related to.

Am I lucky or what! I would like to think so but the fact remains I do not love this guy, not the crazy unconditional love that should be. This is everything I have ever wanted, handed to me so easily, I really am so lucky, and I really do appreciate it and despite my wishes that I was getting it from someone I trully adore, I plan to stay there and try. But I need help, I need lots of help to love this guy, I want to love him, I'm trying to, I suspect the following things hinder me from loving him and maybe you can advise:

1. This will probably be the smallest, meager(est) and most unimportant of all but I suspect it is majorly the reason my skin crawls at his touch. His wardrobe is made of : baggy trousers which look out of place for someone quite lean, he always combines a shirt and a jacket (badly faded, he doesn't own any t-shirts for weekends), this always gives an impression of wearing too many clothes (not good ones) at the same time and finally, he has at least 12 pairs of the ugliest shoes ever! and none of them is sandals. I almost forgot, he always have to have a cap, mostly the reggae type of caps meant to hold huge dreadlocks, those things are so ugly.
2. His walk is a bit stooped, yeah he's tall but it seems to be a sign of lacking confidence...I could be wrong but Ben was huge and he walked too straight, too much confidence in that one
3. He is unambitious! He is into IT for crying out loud, with a degree and years of experience, he's the IT markets hot cake! I suspect this has to do with lacking confidence as highlighted above. When I took up internship, he was already earning and if he's not careful, I will be earning more than he does in a short time.
4. His house has weird things such as an old desktop which he loves, and a weird looking drum like container which I gather was initially meant to store the shoes! (Insert the shocked smiley here).
5. His music collection is purely reggae! Surely you cannot have taste for only one type of food, no matter how much you love it
6. He does oatmeal porridge. I suspect this is a good quality in a man but for some reason, it never seats well with me. He does a lot of healthy eating like no sugar and brown rice but besides the oatmeal, I'm good with the rest.
7. He goes to Njuguna's for a beer and chicken kienyeji, I always have to pick where to be taken for dates lest I find myself at Njugunas, it happened once
8.He has a gym section in his house and his weights are made of badly chopped building stones. Everything else there is good though, it's my favourite part of his house.
9. He has really ugly old sofas, suspect they are second hand at the minimum amount of money you can ever think of.