The Small Bed Theory

Do you remember the guy I dated for 5 years? since I was 19 to 24 yrs? We were so ambitious, always knew that we would be rich, very rich. But he maintained one theory, that no matter how rich we will be, our bed will be a tiny 3 inch by 6 inch! Yes, that's the size of bed you lie on when you are in high-school in Kenya. The reasoning behind this weirdness was, if ever I was mad at him, I would have no space to run to at night. So whether or not I want it, I would still be close to him, and trust me, for a guy, whether you face him or show him your back, both are turn-on positions!.

This weekend, my man and I slept on such a bed, and this theory could not be any wronger! at least from the lady's side. See he was furious at me (that story in a short while), and yes, that bed could be smaller anytime! All the time I kept thinking, these efforts by me are so useless, they aren't helping at all. I should be the one mad at him, then I would turn my back on him, and his thick arousal would touch my ass, and his arms would fly over me and cup my boob, and I that anger would simmer away, and be replaced by only those who watch in the dark knows what, and we would be ok, and we would make love around our issue, whole night, 8 times, and the following day we would hug and kiss in public, and we would be greater that we were before. See why only women are allowed to be furious?! And I realized the small bed theory doesn't work, angrily so! I think a smaller bed would be better, maybe 1.5 inch by 6 inch, coz that means one has to sleep on top of the other, and you have to keep switching places. Where are the inventors of today?!

Second time to say so, I have an unmatched capability to sabotage a working relationship. And this time round, I was very close to making a huge mess of mine. I thought that my man was testing me, and I decided to be bright; not a very bright idea it seems. It didn't end up well, but I am hoping we are okay. At least I know we are better that 2 days ago, maybe the small bed isn't as bad as I am portraying it to be.

Today I feel sentimental, and having been at the brink of losing a wonderful 2 year relationship, I now know the power of appreciation. At times, its good to open our eyes, notice the good we have going and stop taking it for granted like we deserve it and more. I have a great man, damn, I have a hot man! And I mean universally hot. I sat this weekend and watched as ladies shamelessly went gaga around him, as ladies with their men besides them stared and wished and swallowed the envy. I sat through a monologue of how a girl would gladly give herself to my man anytime from a great great girlfriend, the example being herself. Which by the way means its time she was kept far away from him. Besides that, I have a great friend, I have a man who thinks about me, comes to see me, wishes the best for me, calls me when he is furious at me just so I can have a good time, a friend who leaves his friends to come and sleep with me, notwithstanding that he will sleep with his back to me, I have a man who my son adores - a cause for worry I must admit. Sometimes I fear for that boy.

I have a man, who rides a super-bike for hundreds and hundreds of kilometers, I'm not bragging, at least I am trying hard not to

I love that man.

So lessons learnt this past weekend, the small bed does not really work, maybe a smaller one will do better; While men claim to love bright women, don't try to be too bright, just learn different car models (no need to know the engine type and how many cylinders it has, no one expects you to know), at least know what the president is up to and be brilliant at your work that you can advice your (yours and his) business. Otherwise, let the rest be. A final lesson learn to appreciate and say it in words.

Thats it.

The self acclaimed bitch

I just have to tell you about this bitch! Otherwise I will not have done this blog any justice by keeping a classic episode to myself.

I met this bitch on the webs, facebook to be very specific. I have no idea how she ended there, one of those times I get annoyed by so many pending requests and just confirm them all. She claims to be my former school mate, possibly is, I was an arrogant bitch in school, too much into my own, could not be bothered to know bitches who were not worth it, men too. And the bitch clearly wasn't!

What more, she’s a freaking lesbian! That’s right! Bitch's a freaking pussy eating ogress. Not that I have any issues with a bitch turned lesbian, but this I do, and any other self made lesbian who still revels in having classic dick, not withstanding if it’s a friend’s man. How is this bitch a lesbian? She should be kicked out of the fucking club. Bitch only calls herself lesbian coz she’s not worth salt and could never earn herself a respectable dick. Bitch bitch bitch!

Anyway, to the story. This bitch chats me up, leads me to agree to go down coast where she lives with my man for a threesome. (yes, I can be that stupid). We plan it up, all coz I want to spice things up for my man, I mean, if I believe the kind of lies I get from this dude, then mine is the only pussy he has had for the last one and half years. In that case, what’s wrong with wanting to get him some little extra excitement, me too in the process? I’m not complaining about our sex life, shit! This guy in me is like an Israelite bomb going off! All I’m saying is, which Israeli scientist wont like to make the bomb bigger and better? I liked the idea of adding spice into our somesome, I was going for it.  So I make the mistake of giving my tiger her number, all forgetting how fast he takes to such things. He talks to her ASAP, and because she’s a freaking man bitch in disguise, she cannot control her juices, she cannot even give me enough time to plan for the trip.

Something happens, my man has to go down to coast urgently this weekend! You know the problem I have with writing my episodes in this blog? I keep identifying loop holes as I write, like the sudden urgent need by this guy to go to coast! Loopholes I could do without right now.

So, for some reason, I ask this bitch to be his company (I agreed I am stupid). In my defense, she was a lesbian last time I checked, and she only does men once or twice a year only when there’s something interesting to come out of it, e.g. if its in a threesome. Kuuumbe! All of a sudden, the bitch takes a morality high road with me, eti for a couple headed for marriage, suggesting a threesome to my man is a no no! apparently he will lose respect for me! YEES! That coming from a bitch who does bitches!

On the other hand, I had just talked to this dude and suggested he let her show him some nice joints and such. Do you know what he said? He asked if I am sure! Apparently, he claims they might get drunk and things might happen! Do people in this planet ever have any sort of self control anymore? Why do you need to blame alcohol for some freaking shitty actions?

And then the bitch goes on to threaten me that she's going to screw him! like the man has no say in it!. I'm hoping he does...

Aaarrrggghhh! I’m so angry I could snap someone’s neck.

On second thought, why the hell do I care? Fuck the fuckers, fuck the self acclaimed bitches, fuck those who blame booze for their stupid actions!

Oh, fuck trying too much; I’m so tired of this shit. I remain me, the bitch who loves her sex missionary style (because she can hug, kiss her man and revel in his sweaty sexy chest hair) and any other position that will ensure full body touch and a maximum penetration of her mans dick into her pussy! Take that and eat it, fuckers!

Concerned About My Sex Life

Yes! There’s a red siren in that bit of my life. For those who wish to know, which is all of you given you are past the posts heading, I have had sex 6 times this year! Wait on, make that 6 separate days and not times, which is not a consolation given we are in the 8th month of the year and if you did basic calculus, you realize that’s 0.75 times a month or 0.03 times a day!

I know you wonder, am I interested in sex? Answer is 101%. Not only am I sexually healthy, I love having sex, as long as there’s attraction and some sort of compatibility between the involved parties. Next question is, do I have a boyfriend? Well, I have had one for the last 1 year 5 months, not that it matters given that those who know the value and pleasure they derive from sex do have it constantly, probably daily, boyfriend or not. Come to the third question, is your boyfriend impotent? That question just got me laughing; it’s good that I can laugh at my own jokes. Answer is, for the 6 active days I got to have him sexually this year, it was mind blowing, toe curling and heart breaking. Heart breaking because every time he is in me, I keep thinking get the most you can girl, try milk everything you can because that’s likely the most you will get in a long long time. I agree, my sex life is sad. Anyhu, he is a lot of things, not impotent, he delivers wonderfully and selflessly and clearly knows his way around. Which then means he must be sexually active, which given the fact that I am not sexually active begs the question, how is that possible? The next question you might probably ask is, is it the first time it has occurred to me that I am 90% likely not alone? Answer is no. I’m neither stupid nor naïve, but like every other woman I hate to be hurt, I like to imagine and fantasize that I am alone, I am special, I am loved and that my man loves having sex with me and only me. Speaking of which, this desire to be a good woman, to be whole and independent, to get married and soon and to have a beautiful long lasting marriage till death do us part is not doing me any good. Frankly my life was better and way more interesting when I was a bad girl. If it were then, I can promise you the number of sex days this year would surpass my fingers, my toes and all protruding parts of my body counted thrice.

You know, until now, I have never really sat down and thought about how exciting or whacky my sex life is. Save for that that one time in college when I had two separate run downs on the same day! Btw, you better forget you’ve read that, because if you confront me, I will deny it and you in the process. Anyway, today I’m thinking about my sex life. I’m 29, it should be the height of my sexual activities, I should be getting one orgasm after another, day after day, not one orgasm in 2 months damnit. In 15 years to come, I will be getting hot flushes and will have fallen below my active capacity. Even the Bible does say there is a time for everything, it is my time to enjoy constant even excess sex, and I’m getting none, what? Because I am faithful? Because I can’t enjoy being with someone else? Because I need to be a good woman? And for who? For him? This strategy calls for replanning. Unless I am in a man’s house, I do not belong to any man. I’m so sorry to that part of me that is guilty and yearns to do right, but the human side of me got rights too, and the immediate one is a right to sex! So this is what is gonna happen, I cannot sleep with a random man, so I do need a boyfriend. Now, this boyfriend will be chosen on two grounds, likelihood to be faithful, and some kiasi attraction. Given that his mandate is to keep me satisfied, I shouldn’t look for a face that I want plastered on my kids, right? Which makes things easier because now I just got a hoardful of candidates. Also the length we are going to last with this man will depend on one thing, his ability to make my lips touch my toes in pleasure.

 That said and decided, here is something I am promising the little horny freak inside of me, we deserve great sex and we will get it. Never again in my lifetime will I ever date a man who is unavailable for me sexually, never!. I refuse to be tied into old age habits when I am still young. I refuse regrets later in life, not on stuff I can control anyway. If there is no guy, I will get me something temporary till the guy comes. I feel good already, horny and ready.