Lakiniii????

I have this uncanny ability to do things well and then undo them, or to be good then undo my good...I am genuinely confused. Today though ladies and gentlemen, I have realized just how easily I can sabotage a working relationship, or at least one which seemed to do better than any other I have been in, in the past 6 or so years.

So what did I do, apparently, I like going public with my private. To be frank, I do, not always though, just when the content of my writing is sure not to piss anyone off, especially the subject of the writing. Today though, I did just that, pissed off the subject. I started off by delegating a duty assigned to me by my boyfriend to my best friend. It was not exactly a duty, he wanted me to watch something, something we are both passionate about, but he did not specify. He just said I watch. I happened to have left the house by that time, to attend to some very critical errands before showing up to the office. So when I received the text, I realized the urgency but not the privateness of it, and sent my friend to check out what was happening on this channel. She was not pleased, music! how dare I wake her up to watch some boring music?! That was my first undoing of a well intended action to strengthen our relationship. I am sure, he was excited when sending that message, and he knew I would be excited on watching the jazz music on TV and of course, our day would have been great.

Second, I do try lots of stuff online. What made me try these keys on a particularly famous site, I have no idea. But I typed how important he was to me and how much he means to me, then I published. Granted, this was simply stupid! I also did the same for one of my girlfriends and she went 'aaaawwwww' with feeling. Not the same for this great god though, he was mad, seething! I can't say I didn't see that coming though, I have always known he hated publicity.

My lakini comes here. While I did all that stupid crap, and I am genuinely sorry (infact I will never ever ever, write anything about my relationship, any relationship on a  social site again), he responded not very well. He compared me to his ex-girlfriend, said that is why he always preferred her to us the rest of the bunch, because we are clearly immature. First on that statement, I find it quite insensitive to compare me to an ex. This to all you guys out there, never take someone in if you are not done with the previous. That statement hurt so much, I felt a deep pain in my chest and the tears ran freely down my cheeks. How dare?! What makes you think you are perfect, that my ex didn't have better qualities than you? ok, I agree, he didn't, but he was humble, sensitive and could find time for me! I have never rubbed that on your face, because I am with you now! Second, who else is in this 'rest bunch of us'? First, why am I being grouped? so much for feeling special! Then just how many of us are around??!

This guy has been overly special to me, I have envisioned him as my husband, he has been in my dreams, I have seen small miniatures of him in my fantasies, and nothing scares me more than his leaving. But for this once, I kinda don't feel it anymore. I really do not want to sabotage the one relationship where I trully and genuinely loved, but I feel like maybe this is not it.

Happy weekend people.