Not as immune as I thought...

Very recently, I realized that I am not immune to bad things. See, if you are used to things going your way, you start thinking you are immortal. I agree, I was not born one of the even averagely privileged persons, but since beginning, a lot of what I wanted, with a lot of prayer and a big chunk of self confidence that I so (unregrettably) possess, always came to pass. As such, I’ve always had this feeling that I was above many things. I have always been petite and very pretty; I have never believed that any man can say no to me, okay, at least not at the beginning. This has also been because I talk a lot, and I like talking to strangers, I also like intimidating people, so at the beginning, I never fail to score. That, I still believe, I am yet to meet someone who proves me wrong.

There was a time I also believed I could not be ditched by a jamaa, true though, I was unditchable. Besides the attractiveness, I had the security of someone clearly headed to heaven, no insecure shit. I also believed I could not be afflicted by some things that were ‘for other people’, I believed I could not contract HIV, I believed that every employer needed someone like me for them to make it, I believed I was the best daughter any parent could ever have, only my mom never seemed to notice it. I believed I did not need to read hard to be an A student, I still believe that the man who lands a wife in me, will live happily ever after.

Well, clearly, my bubble has been burst. I have realized, and not in very pleasant ways, that I’m actually anything but immune. I am prone to anything. I am no longer the most secure person in any relationship, on the contrary, someone was sent to show me that I was as expendable as any other female human being. (I know none of my past bfs can read this but, that’s why I turn into an ugly bitch after the 2^nd month, insecurities, fear of loving you too much… I’m sorry, that was my loss). I have realized that because of how I have placed myself, I am actually the one who needs my employer more than he needs me. I know that I was not, I’m not, anything near an ideal daughter. I know for sure, if I don’t put efforts and sacrifice, my business will surely go down. I have been taught the hard way, that even I can get a low grade in school, if I don’t put effort. I know for sure, I won’t make a perfect wife, coz no one can.

So this is what I resolve to do, to work hard to make my business prosper, to try and be a good daughter and mother, to purposely aspire to be a good wife (that, when I get a husband, for now, I’m good), to try and tone my insecurities a bit, because one who was meant to go, will always go, and one who was meant to stay, will always stay, I promise to do my work well. I also know, I don’t have to get any man that I want, so I should get used to it. I promise to use a condom every time I do it, or not do it at all. I will give my best, without exposing myself to exploitation. This means work, business and relationships. Most of all, I know I am mortal as the person who passed away last night, and therefore, I will wake up every day, say thank you and sing a praise and worship song, because I am alive.

PS: In readiness to starting my business, I have bought a pair of  closed sandaks, now I have to get me a pair of flat heeled boots, a pair of ngoma rubber shoes and a pair of not so pretty sneakers. There is no way I'm getting cracked heels because I went to the market!