The 2013 that was

Hello dears, I have been thinking on how to go about a goodbye 2013 and welcome 2014 and I thought of no better way than to reminisce on the greatness of 2013 and leave 2014 to have it's way. I cannot account for everything that came to pass in 2013 but my biggest blessings are as follows:

In January, I celebrated 28 years of being alive and well and capable
In Feb, I met a man of my dreams. He who has changed my life in more ways than one
In march, 3rd march to be precise, I created a day to be celebrated as an anniversary, for a lot of things which happened on the same day for the first time. I also cast my presidential vote and the guy lost
In April, I learnt new words, new songs and better ways to have my way on the internet
In may, I reclined an offer for extended contract with a 'blue chip' company
In June, I created this wonderful blog (it is to me) where I get to unload once in while. 38 posts later and no regrets.
In July, I quit my job
In August, I tried writing, tried is the word
In September, I got another job, then another
In October, I had a plan, and the plan started to take effect... I also had a nephew and very sadly, I lost my beloved uncle
In November and December, things took more momentum and blessings continued flowing. More nephews and a happier life.

I promise to document the greatest happenings for each month in 2014.

Celebrate and enjoy the year that is. Happy 2014!

Anxious

'We need to talk, we really need to talk'.

I have always wondered why men make a big deal of a small sentence like 'we need to talk'. Today I received the above words in a text, I have actually left out another we need to talk because...I can't write the three of them without bursting. I am anxious to a point of nausea, and worse is the fact that I do not even know when this talk will ever happen; given the few chances I have of meeting the said dude.

I think my main problem is not the sentence, my main problem is I can't seem to even imagine what this could be about. Initially, two conclusions lept to my mind:

1. He is breaking up with me.
2. We have contracted a deadly disease.

I disqualified the first guess within minutes. This dude has broken up with me twice, and he has never shied away from doing it over the phone. It goes like 'By the way I think we need to break up', and is shortly followed by 'I am serious'. So no, unless he wishes to look me in the eye, put his hand on my chest and continue to physically pull out my bloody heart and crush it with his shoe (think of it in a horror movie way). Surely he doesn't hate me that much. But the two last times I have said I love you, there was no response. So maybe I am not that far from the truth with this one....or am I?

The 2nd guess, he disqualified himself after I got curious and asked if anything was wrong. He said it's nothing to worry about. Ahem! I think we can all agree that a disease would surely be something to worry about, or?? yeah, a disease would be worrisome. And since he says I be easy, then it's not a disease.

By now, you all know I am a pessimist, and I have run out of negative ideas. I mean, if it was pregnancy, I would be the one who is pregnant and probably the one unleashing the 'we need to talk' line. So, I am 85% sure we are not pregnant, and even if the remaining 15% chance were to pass, I am 100% sure he would not know it before me. By now, I assume we are in the same level of bewilderment, that is if you have a heart big enough to feel the emotions of a strange amateur blogger.

When I could not handle it anymore, I called my best friend and she decided to go with optimism, that since we both know that these words are the most unlikely to come out of this guy's mouth, the we expect the most unusual information from him. So this info has to be positive (If it was negative, he would have spit it over the phone. He excites at sad or negative info. So this has to be positive for it to wait). Problem is, this lady is my best friend, I can tell you without blinking that her optimism is unrealistic. Many a times, her optimism has gone overboard until at one time she wrote it down and it included the names of her unborn children. So today I listened as her optimism for my situation slowly turned into a fairly tale fantasy, and it just hit me how much I am in worse a situation that the minute I received that text!.

The lies that doctors tell...

The lies that doctors tell... And the suffering we undergo just because we believe them and can't be bothered to wake up from our blissful ignorance. Does that sound angry and bitter? Coz I am! That is after being reliably informed that the doc's advice to abandon my oh so comfortable tampons 4 years ago because apparently it would mess up my newly inserted coil and shorten it's life span inside me was a complete sham! Yes guys, I have been following the idiot's lie to the book for four freaking years and wearing messy uncomfortable pads. I'm sure he had a good laugh, and I hope his teeth fell out in the process! had I not opened up to a group of lady colleagues during dinner(because I had to go change n they were curious, not because we were discussing periods), I would probably wear them for the rest of my life! That reminds me of another saddist in the name of a doctor who predicted that I would never have a child, simply because I had issues of irregular and heavy periods. The shame!

I realize how weak I am as a human being who is a woman. I am alarmed at the twist my fantasies with this guy has taken. I am worried at how deeply personal my want for this guy has become. It is so personal, I want him to be my other half literally, i.e half me half him. (I know, scary!). I'm not one to exagerate, but a self check is not working no more. Professional therapy before I become completely stupid.

I had written this, before it all came crushing down…

Sometime ago, I promised to do a feature on why I like Ben. Ladies, have you ever been in a relationship where the guy has eyes for every other lady except you? Let’s make it easier; ever been in a relationship where the guy has eyes for you among other ladies? Easier still; where he has eyes for you and another lady (specific one this one), probably one he was (is) dating but has no guts to tell it’s over? Much more easier; where he has eyes only for you but you catch the bastard cheating and he’s not even apologetic? Easiest of them; where you are sure you are soul mates, wait until he gets an additional soul mate to the group and he is not ashamed to announce that he’s in love with the both of you? Well guys, not my Ben! I have been in a couple of the above situations and truth be told, there’s nothing that kills my emotional nerve than being in the face of such a pig. My emotions die kaput! One day, I’m all juices flowing at the sight of you, the next day, you won’t even get a drop from my sweat pores even if I’m standing under direct scorching sunlight. I won’t lie that I believe to be the only woman sleeping with Ben, uh uh. That, I agree with you would make me a totally illusional and deluded bitch. That guy got lost on me for a freaking 3 months, and he loves his sex, and he is well endowed. That said, I would not be so surprised if he is fond of flashing his blessings around. Infact, as present as he currently is in my life, I won’t be so surprised if he turns out to be having sex 6 days a week, and you don’t need to be a rocket scientist to decipher that all that action is not with me. But, despite all that, not once in my life has Ben ever flashed a woman on my face, never!. I know like 6 women in his life: his adorable daughter, his 2 sisters (there are more but I just know of those 2), his ex-girlfriend with whom they are friends especially on the business front, his ex-wife and finally his yellow yellow bitcheous friend (sorry beau) who doubles up as his neighbor. Why am I not up all cursy about the last 3 women? (bitch is not an abuse, just in case you were about to correct me). Because he has taken his time to let me know that I am precious and not comparable. That is as it concerns his ex-girlfriend and his friend. About his ex-wife though, I feel 2 things for that woman. First of all is respect: she was there before me, way before me probably when life was not a term that I ever thought about. She also happens to have given the man that I love his most prized gift. I will always give that woman her space, I would not want to go down in history as the woman who crossed that woman, uh uh. Second, I do admit to feeling what is (shamefully) more than a twinge of envy. (Jealousy is the harmful version and mine’s not that). Why, you ask. She’s the one woman who has held that post that I currently wish for more than being president of my own company, and a position that I am unfortunately not even allowed to discuss! (Jeez! Someone should tell Ben to ease up about this topic). Like I mentioned before, she’s the only woman who has given him a baby, something I have been banned from even considering. Yaani, she is that woman who has all that I wish for. What’s worse is that she could afford to let it all fall from her grasp! Whaat now?! Clearly, we do not value things using the same priority. Anyhu, I was talking about the women in his life and how he has made me feel so special. In retrospect, I trust him completely (so no, I’m not in for that piece of juicy info you got about him). I trust he will take care of himself and me in the process. (I know, my mother should probably smash my head on the wall to get some sense into it). Frankly though, dating this guy has been one helluva an undertaking, but I have never been happier in my life (or sadder when he’s acting up). So a high five for my dude that!

Another thing I like so much about Ben. He is a damn lier, it’s like a gift, he can’t help himself. Do I like that he is a lier? Not exactly, but I like that he lies first because he wants to protect you from the harmful truth and second because he thinks that’s what you want to hear. Sweet, right? Please don’t tell him he is sweet, I think we both know why.

Lastly, east or west, the truth is that Ben is breathtakingly handsome! He is that alright, and not in the ‘beauty lies in the eyes of the beholder’ way, but more of in a universally acclaimed kind of handsomeness. To put it simply, I am not the only one who finds him annoyingly handsome, the whole world does!

A letter from Ben

(GUEST WRITER, REAL LETTER FROM BEN)

My dear ladybird,

I know this short letter will find you in good health. The Ben you keep talking about on this blog of yours fits my description and so I hope you find it within appropriateness for me to speak out from my perspective.

It's been nearly a year since I made an acquaintance of you. During our long and intimate acquaintance and intercourse, I have no recollection of ever having heard intended foul words about me fall from your lips, nor your ranting. On the contrary, and in an apologetic manner, I am assumingly according myself a character of a man deluded by society's demands for a guy ladies want. The bad boy. In assumption, and without any foundation of fact to sustain these, I think your past had rubbed too  much of the good boy on you that the eccentric bad boy that you say I am hit your tender soul - too hard I may add - to a point of confusion.

I know you deem your efforts of turning me into what you want of which you constantly think I thwart and regard as no longer of value, but that's not the case. I know you think I perceive your efforts as a matter of amusement to myself. I know you think I thwart your earnest efforts to change me, but I don't. All I want is not to be changed. All I beg of  you is to leave things as they are between us because marriage is least of my concerns for now. Your marriage talk repulses me from you. Be patient, let the wounds of my last marriage heal and marriage will sprout from our shady acquaintance in the will of providence.

It's unfortunate I bumped into your blog site, but I won't censure you for your writings on this blog. I assume it is written in the confidence of anonymity, with no purpose, or expectation, that it would ever come to my knowledge. I appreciate that no real names are mentioned, nor is it likely that any other name other than the false name you accorded me here would ever be known in connection with it. I guess your only objective seems to be to amuse cyber space strangers at your own expense.

I am at present much occupied with professional duties, and have written to you hastily. Bear with my typos and bad grammar, but I believe I have responded to your musings all as fully as I am now capable of doing.

AND NO DOUBT, I STILL LOVE YOU LADYBIRD.

Looking forward to your reply.

Love Ben.

My 10 things I hate about you

I hate the way you talk to me, and the way I can’t stand up to you.
I hate your efforts to be good to me, especially since they are so short lived.

I hate the way you read my mind, and your failure to observe the simplest of meeting dates.

I hate you so much it makes me sick — It even makes me rhyme.
I hate the way you're always right. I hate it that you lie so much.
I hate it when you make me laugh — Even worse when you make me cry.
I hate it when you're not around. And the fact that you didn't call.
But mostly I hate the way I don't hate you — Not even close, not even a little bit, not even at all.