My 3 choices

As you can see, I was here, a few days ago, crying. Senseless crying, dirty crying where both your eyes and nose shed... Ok, sorry, bigger apologies if you were eating but yeah, that's how it was. I was just about ready to go down and be collected from there, thankfully though, my God has ensured that I have enough strength to remain standing.

No, nobody died. When I lost my uncle 2 years ago, I cried just as bitterly, I never managed to attend the burial ceremony, I laid down my flowers 2 days later just before I left for Nairobi again, to resume my busy life and put it behind me. I did, but my uncle has never left me, his memories are so live, the pain of losing him so fresh. It's easy to ignore, but it has never gotten better, it never really will. I guess loss is loss, my cry last Friday sounded almost similar, I'm no longer crying but it isn't better.

So this guy Ben, the only one man, my man for the last 2 and half years, the face of my blessing whenever I'm praying for them, my dream when I slumber, the wish of my soul, the one man every one has warned me about, including me, but I never heeded, the one man I knew the only way to leave him is if he left me, well, the day finally came, the day when he decided I was more of a stress causing factor in his life, what a shame!

I'm not sure if there would have been easier way to break it off with me, but I have a feeling he was trying, coz he did quite some circles. The issue was, I wanted to be a business partner, and he was adamant, I could only be his business partner as a friend, purely that. But my question was, to remain a girlfriend, all I had to do was quit the business? anyway, he finally came up with 3 choices!

I have deleted the entire conversation we've ever had, damn, I even deleted the number even though it's at the tip of my fingers, but for some reason, those 3 choices are stuck in my head, stuck stuck! damn! This is where you wonder if it will get better with time or you will just ignore it and move on with life, just as it happens in the cause of death.

My 3 choices were: to be a friend in business, to be a friend without business, to be an enemy! I know even you are laughing, even I couldn't find where I would ever belong there, I still can't. That day, I managed to say that since I cannot exactly be an enemy because I am no one's enemy, and I can't be a friend, I will just be that person, or that chik, or some chik... I think that is the best choice ever. Better to forget there ever was, even if it's forced memory loss. I'm still in love with that choice, not withstanding that it was communicated in the state named above, thank God for small blessings like a corner booth in an open office!.

Anyway, as I work on getting words off my brain, I've tried to be positive in this. Nothing is ever too big if you are still breathing, right? there are worse losses. There are orphans out there and they do not cry every damn minute, there are widows and widowers and finally, I guess we all know that better a broken relationship than a broken marriage, right? there are a few blessings I'm counting out of this end. They are:

1. It was true love, at least on my side it was. But it was not a marriage, and it was only 2 and half years long. I came to that conclusion when a friend yesterday told me about her friend who got kicked out by the hubby 10 years into the marriage and about 12 years of knowing each other. Case in point; she was unable to bear babies. Talk of a double stab! That's like being stabbed directly into an everlasting wound, it makes my breakup look like baby play. If that is what would have happened to me had I ended with Ben, then is there a bigger blessing than this breakup? too bad we'll never find out. It could have also ended up to be married bliss.. just saying, lets leave the unknown to be just that.

2. I was not pregnant for Ben! This is particularly huge because, had our wishes been granted, I would likely be 2 months pregnant now. I removed the coil about 2 months ago because we wanted to get pregnant, yes! that was a close escape. I would be half dead by now, woi!

3.We had not gotten to a point of dependency, where one of us depended on the other for anything. So besides the dizzying emotional imbalance, my family even had excess for that day and for days to follow, God is our only provider. I will miss on the occasional advice, exposure and encouragement, criticism that makes me grow, but well, the important is catered for and by now, I can propell my own future. Or rather I'm planning to give it my best.

So yes, I'm still mourning, but the tears come less often and they are less fierce. I actually noticed that they were not as bad as the tears I shed when he told me that he was married and he was sorry for going against his 9 year innocent wife. I got over that statement, (though it's still stuck!). And now that I'm on it, a wife seems to have been more bitter than rejection! I drove around for weeks, howling in the car like a woman in labour, eveyone on the road, at work, in my house, could see clearly that I was in mourning. This time, besides a breakdown episode at home on the eve of the d-day, and the free flowing tears at my desk as we did that conversation (a colleague saw that), I have handled the disguise very well. I shed a few tears in the car, mostly in the bathroom, and today, just teared up but nothing really came out. Talk of growing up!

Never the less, I guess in this world, we all need to accept that we can control a few things, but we cannot hope to control people. We can love but it doesn't necessarily mean to be loved back. I might have wanted nothing more than Brian in this world, but clearly he didn't, and I cannot do a thing about it. So I will do my best, and commit my future into the able hands of fate. All I can say is God knows I loved this guy, He also knows I was faithful, He also knows I tried, the rest doesn't matter. This is my life, I gotta live it, dissapointments, broken loves, more dissapointments, failed relationships, trying to be busy to fill the empty sad dissapointed void in me, whatever it takes baby ladybird, you've gotta try love. Cry if you must, but move on you will. What's yours is yours, whats not is not. Tears there... teren teren...

Break time is over, back to graphs and charts, I'm working on a Sunday because a lady has got to do what a lady has got to do. The pain though, waah! It's a cruel cruel cruelest world indeed, very very cruel!