Life Review

Its 3:49 am, and for the last 46 or so minutes, my life has been weird.

I woke up and went to the bathroom, not weird or strange at all, people do it all the time. All the same, I noted that I am not one of those people, I simply do not wake up at night for a call of nature, unless I'm having a runny stomach which I cannot remember happening either.

Anyway, after I visited the bathroom, I checked my watch (Or rather my cellphone which is usually under my pillow), and it was 3:03 am! I wanted to get my sleep back of course, but it wasn't happening. Instead, I found myself thinking of other things. It started by realizing that it was 3:00 am, the hour of the devil (Don't ask where I got that from, I really do not know, but I have always known it to be called so). So my mind went to, since the work of the devil is to steal, kill and destroy, does it mean that he/she does it at that hour? but then that would mean that everyone dies at that hour, which is a lie. I mean, just the other day, we lost bro. John Kozcka, founder, mentor and father to the ladies of Materi girls, it happened at 8:00 pm!

Soon, those thoughts were replaced by more disturbing thoughts, and before I share that with you, it is often said that when people pass on, they predicted their death. People who are left back on Earth will always find something that will imply that someone predicted their own death! I declare, before I proceed with this post, that I not only do not predict my own death, but also that I do not want it, I am not ready, not everything in this life is rosy, but for sure, the significant bit of it is wonderful, worthy living for and worthy praising my Messiah for! Someone shout Amen.

See the way people say 'kumbe chips ni viazi'? stupid at it seems, tonight it occured to me that infact, all that has to happen for anyone to die is for their heart to stop functioning. See, the same way you get a muscle pull on your foot and your foot gets paralyzed? something of the sort, only it happens permanently. So simple, so easy, right? I mean your heart just needs to stop and you are off the face of this earth! So you wonder, what is it that keeps it from not doing that, year after year? how many muscle pulls have you had in your life time? I'm guessing ranges from few to many depending on your knack for exercise.. anyway, getting off the point. My point is, it is so so very easy to die! and while us the young folks take life for granted because we do not expect to die ( who does?) and while we are not likely to just sleep and get off our (tired) bodies like some old folks do, we still see it happen to very many of us. So you are reading this because of one simple reason, Grace my friend, you are a recipient of God's amazing grace.

I have thought of death before, mostly, the word 'death' flashes across my brain and I shudder, thats it. An instance is when Ben and I were about to be turned into minced meat by an oncoming trailer. At that point I was just afraid, not of death, but of that trailer and what it was about to do to us (At that time, that did not come out as death, more of being minced up! its ok, I don't expect  you to understand how my brain works). Up until Ben mentioned that; had that happened, he would be lying in a mortuary with his tongue out while I would be lying in a coma in some ICU. Maybe he does think about death (does he really?). Anyway, at that point, I thought about death, for a millisecond or so, shuddered at the thought (as usual) and got that whole topic out of the way.

So this hour, I thought about death in detail. I realized how close we always are to it, plowing the streets of Nairobi like it was our birth right, driving on our highways like we were born doing so... for real, I got scared. I started to think of my death, it was so vivid. I could see my heart stopping, my body jerking in a losing battle to keep my heart functioning, my mouth foaming, ... the things that came in my mind were heartbreaking. For sure, the devil came to destroy my peace this night. It came to me that infact that could happen anytime, I have never wished for daylight so much in my life. I was practically counting my fingers for the hours left to light, simply so I can write down my wishes if I was to die. And I will, even if it will be on a piece of paper pulled out from baby's exercise book, but I have to, and I will review those wishes after every 6 months. I pray that God grants me long life to be able to do countless reviews to this.

You might wonder why I wanted to do a wish list. I thought of the loss that would be incurred would I die. Besides the pain of loss my family and friends would suffer, I realized that nothing in their lives would, I was not directly linked to any of their lives, not in any way. I am not married, nor am I in any worthy relationship where I can say my spouse would suffer. But infact it occured to me that my life was useful and directly linked to one major cause, my honey, the love of my life, my one and only son, the one person who made me fear and dread my death. What would happen of that child? where would he live? would they treat him as well as I would desire? where would he go to school? Who would toil and go up and down on his behalf? I pray to you God for long life. I thought about my family, my mom, I would not wish for this boy to go upcountry, instead, I would wish for him to attend the best schools ever in the city. Who would be responsible? my mom? my bro who's already overburdened with his 3 sons and currently without a stable job? would I disrupt my small bro's young life with responsibilities of a 5 year old? And I decided that I would want him to remain with my aunt who lives in Athi river, temporarily, but my mom would be solely the heir of my son. In me, I realized I trust my aunt at Athi river to shower my son with lots of love, take him to the best schools and manage the little I would have left with care.

I thought about what I own in this world, I will detail my investments, the whereabouts of my money, little as it is, those who owe me (hopefully they would pay). My car is valued for 600k. I would instruct that they sell it asap before it loses more value, at 500k and invest that money in government bonds. At first, I thought I would put Ben's contacts there, for him I trust would know best how to dispose that car for that amount, but then it occured to me that I was holding on to the last hopeless remnants of what in my mind, I have made to be a beautiful life with a man I love deeply. I thought that was going too far, maybe I will just stick to my familly. I have a cousin by the name of Roby, he knows a great deal about cars. He would assist with that.

I thought about my afterlife, was I ready for it? as part of my being ready, I realized I needed to mend the crappy ends of my Earthly life. I realized that indeed I didn't have many issues, not with my work, or my family, or my friends except one who's made me feel very betrayed lately. I realized that the bulk of my crap right now lied in my relationships. It occurred to me that were something to happen to me, I would not be said to have been in any worthy relationship. A few days ago, I said yes to a guy I genuinely like too much and who's been after me for long, but I am not ready to date or to consume that yes, not yet anyway. I think I need to be genuine and set that straight with him. My mind has been on Ben, all the time, I realized I need to work on that. Hope in that has diminished, the candle of that has burned out, later, he will be a handsome guy  I used to know and love a great deal. In that case, I need to steer clear of thoughts and feelings for him when planning my life, as I wait for the thoughts and feelings to fade off too. Yeah, I need to mend that bit of my life, it is my trouble point at the moment.

The necessary sorrow

I remember making a vow, that this breakup will not make me cry, now matter what. Well, today morning I cried some, after holding on to that vow for so  long, okay, so I cried a wee 2 more times. Fine, I cried. All in all, the crying was not much as would have been anticipated when you've been dumped by a man who you've adored, almost worshiped for 2 years. Something I have experienced so far that was unique for this break up was anger. Damn it, I was angry! Yaani I was so angry, everyone in the office noticed. A day later I had to pinch our accountant for giving me money without even looking at me or even asking questions, like dude! I am not always angry, and once in a while it is healthy.

What I have noticed though is that breakup is a sorrowful experience, more so if you are the type that stays alone for long moments. The thoughts that cross your mind too are a bit disturbing, I wont be surprised why some people turn suicidal. I mean, if you do follow your thinking, you'll also stand in the middle of a busy road. For some reason, rarely will your thoughts be about the person getting another mama and you getting another dude, or him dating your friend (Though disturbingly, that thought did cross my mind). Its always about how it would have been, how I would have been the mother of his 7 year old daughter (and only rosy images would cross your mind here), how things would change and he would not want to live life without you, how he would introduce you to his family, how you would be that much needed back bone to his dreams, how he would be the one to always take your car to the garage and pick you if you are stuck...

For some reason, these thoughts are most unhealthy. Because now, you cannot imagine ever being with another man, you cannot imagine being without him, and thats where desperation  kicks in and you want to do something drastic to bring him back. e.g. you wish you would fall sick so he would feel guilty... at times, you even wish he would be in a situation where he desperately needs you, then he can realize how much he needs you... DESPERATION! such a stinky thing

All in all, I think this sorrow is only necessary for your healing. At some point in my sorrow, I do sit and ask myself if maybe this was infact God's grace on your path. Like now, after a tearful morning, I visit ladybird and I notice that like 4 of my previous posts were complainant in nature. Then I remember the cause of the breakup, it's because I made noise for him after he requested, for the second time, that he goes on a trip with my friend, whose eyes turn into dancing stars whenever she sees him. Maybe, just maybe...

All in all, sorrow cannot be avoided. I would be in the relationship, thinking that he is on a barbecue making trip with some random chik, and my soul would sink, and bitterness would crowd, and I would still shed tears. Again, I can keep saying no to trips with my friend, but when he is soo keen to go with her (why the constant asking?) and she too keen to agree (how hard is it to discourage your friends bf to talk to you, especially when it clearly is an issue with your friend?)

For sure, sorrow is a sad thing, but whether you hide in a relationship, or you agree to the happenings, sorrow will come.

Love is friendship

Its not like I'm stupid and blind that I cannot see the lies, It is not that I am unfeeling, my heart does not cringe whenever you chuck one mean statement after another, it is not that I am slow, I do not notice you avoid any circumstance that will put me in close proximity to yours, its not like I am retarded I do not notice that you like someone better, you protect someone better, you wish for something that was. I see all that, I feel all that, but I ignore it, day after day, month after month and now year after year, because I love you and deep in me I haven’t found a better dream that you and I. My meek attempts are not meant to bother you, it is said that it’s important to revisit your dreams and make sure that they make sense, that they are still valid, that they did not lose relevance while you were busy clinging onto their promise of eternal happiness.

Love truly is friendship, else it’s not complete. You know your friends , you understand them, most important, you understand where they are coming from and where they are headed. When I express my concerns about the possibility of losing my only savings in an investment, you do not turn to me and tell me ‘oh I had forgotten who I was talking to’, or ‘I just don’t know you’, you are supposed to tell me, ‘my dear, I understand you, or I don’t understand you, but your fear is unfounded, I will never expose you’. When I am near you, I am supposed to ask  how you are, how your family is, I am not supposed to feel deep fear whenever I attempt to ask about your personal life.

For sure, no matter how godly your looks are, no matter how magnificently you are created, no matter how much in control you are, no matter how much you make my knees go weak and no matter how ambitious you are; love without friendship is useless. We cannot claim to love the other when you do not genuinely care about their every aspect of life. This is not love. Whatever it is, it will never work.