This for you bitch

I felt so bad when my boyfriend said that this chik who's after him said I was not pretty enough for him. I'm so angry about this, more to my boyfriend for allowing this cheap average looking bitch to talk ill of me infront of him! I'm more offended thinking of the type and quality of bitch who thinks she has a right to judge me. Bitch is:
1. Average looking but delusional enough to think she is cute
2. Dating a married man
3. The said married man also happens to be short and hasn't got much going either. (Sorry)
4. Gets mad when the said married man looks at other hot chiks (What did bitch expect? this is getting me angry)
5. Can't even operate a freaking car stereo yet she's from a freaking rich family. She's likely borrowed
6. Has no morals or values yet she still has the guts to think she's desirable. Bitch, you are running after a man, disqualifying his girlfriend yet you saw him while on a trip where you were fucking his married friend, bitch, your IQ needs some watering
6. Bitch has average looks and a pussy stinking of sperms from various men, you lack self respect
7. Bitch is badmouthing a man's long time serious girlfriend yet you're so desperate for him, now you have reached a point where you are begging him for a one time fuck, and thats after meeting him on a trip taken to fuck the married man.
8. Your self esteem is at the lowest, thats why you can be collected for a random trip by a short married man
9. Bitch is in need of salvation, that might make your pussy less active and less stinky, bitch!
10. The guy you are busy running after called you a bitch the first time he met you, and pretended to save your number when all he thought was go to hell bitch and discarded it. Then you still go ahead to hunt his number and offer yourself in a manner cheaper than rotten mangoes selling during a mango season.

From my brothers words, you are a malicious cheap skank acting out of self interest. He cannot be more right.

A piece of advice, you need to sit and reevaluate yourself and your approach. Your looks are not what can be called beautiful, there is real beauty outside there, and this man had seen it all before he chose me, so before you open your mouth, it's important that you reevaluate your strategy and ensure you don't leave such stupid loopholes, but that means you will need a brain first.

Again, you do not go after a man and offer to drop the man who you just slept with the previous night for him, and especially a married man. Do you envision that chain? that man slept with his wife the day before, and maybe some two more skanks like you, you don't even know what his wife is usually up to when he's out with you. Then you sleep with this guy that same night, and probably you had another one during the day - highly likely because you are aware you are just a clande to this one. Then you propose the same thing to a decent man few hours later! Bitch, how shallow are you? you did not even allow his sperms to drip outside out of your vagina, probably his mixed with another persons. And you even think thats attractive? The man you are approaching just had sex 3 times with his girlfriend that night. You sure are one dirty bitch! You need prayers.

Sex action which shows the different men of whom sperms you carried at that single time, and shows your desire to even carry more you shameless bitch

I did not seek to know your name, leave alone to have your contacts despite the fact that we spent the whole day in the same company. That is because you do not deserve it, all I saw was a pretentious self feeling bitch and the only thing you did was keep tabs on a married man, and you think you are better! laughable. Btw, thanks a lot for smothering my mans ego, he did not need it though, I can tell you that man knows he's handsome, and he has heard it from more decent, high quality, deserving women, not a cheap skunk who won't mind 3 dicks a day and millions of sperms from about 5 different sources floating in her at the same time.

You need to be ashamed.

Now that I do not know you, or how to reach you, I trully hope that someone will be generous enough to get this to you.

CHEAP SKUNK! yes, thats skunk with a u, because you stink.

I Infact have that soft spot

Yesterday I was talking to my man, and I happened to offer my condolences for a close bereavement, and he acted so surprised that I had done that. Apparently, he is not used to me caring!

Coincidentally, this came the same day I was thinking about the way people look at me as some strong and unforgiving woman. On Monday on my way to work, I was arrested for overlapping. I had given a certain youngish boy from our work a lift. What happened next surprised even me (much later that is). All of a sudden, I couldn't stand his presence! I tried pursuading him on our way to the police station, very gently, that he should proceed to work, which is a walking distance from the said police station, and leave me to handle that, but he won't go. His insisting really got into my nerves so bad, needless to say, he left but he's barely spoken to me since then, I did ask a bit too strongly that he leave immediately. After I calmed down, I kinda felt guilty. I tried to understand why I wanted him away so strongly, and I realized I just couldn't stand him seeing me in a weak state! In a state where I was required to somehow listen, be gentle and be the one to give way even though I was strongly convinced I was not on the wrong. Or maybe, I didn't want him to see an irritated me, it's not a good sight.

Does that make me strong and unforgiving? On the outside maybe, I can be strangely unforgiving, true. Especially when it means me being portrayed as weak. But I do not think I am any of this, infact, I am one gentle soul inside of me.

Back to my man for instance, do I never care? I would say that is untrue, I trully and genuinely care. Just because I lack soft words to express myself does not mean I do not care. Back when we were just starting to date, I would wonder where he is, is he safe? I would call, he would not pick up, so I would sleep a worried person, the next day, he would be just okay. I guess I got used to him being okay all the time! The other day when we went to Nakuru, and he was riding while the rest of us were driving, I frankly could not keep it off my mind how dangerous riding is, coupled now with long distance on a road full of black spots and long trailers! So did I call him to check if he arrived well? I did! He just did not pick my call up! Now, this is not the only example I have. At times, this man opens up to me (rare though). Sometime last year, he used to have a photo of his beautiful daughter taken with her grandma in his car. Do you know what made him hide that photo? me! One day I looked at that photo and he just snatched it from me! My boyfriend just won't allow himself to be weak around me, and every time I show some concern, he thwarts it. How can I show concern when its not appreciated? or when it is looked at like I am acting so as to trap him into marriage?

At one point last year, he said that if I wanted to spend some time with him, I should request. Do I do that? a few times, and rarely has any ever been honoured. I do not think if it were you, you would keep asking, would you? No need to be unnecessarily disappointed when you could easily avoid it with a little ignorance.

In October last year my very close uncle passed away, it was so painful. All I can say is that, I doubt that he even got to know about it, and if he did, he never mentioned it! I go through a lot in my life, I go through very bad periods in my life, where a soft word or a few minutes spent with the man I love would make a difference, but he never ever gets to know about it. Some few weeks ago, I got to know about some really serious issues this guy was going through. For quite some time now, he has been going through some personal, very delicate and sensitive issues. I got to know all about it last month. I have thought about that so much, and prayed about it, but frankly speaking, I haven't offered the support needed of a girlfriend. So is it that I don't care? I do, a lot. There is just no platform to air it! In this relationship, there is no space for weakness, so I just don't.  It goes without saying, that my being weak is not appreciated, not is it cared for (when do you get to be weak when you see a person once in a month? at that point all you want is to enjoy the company you are likely to get again after one month!).

After being in this relationship for a very long time, I think this has just transmitted into every aspect of my life. Like today, my boyfriend travelled with a 'light' girl upcountry, because I am too 'heavy'. Of course I care about his well being, but if I called do you think he would pick up? I don't think so, I tried last weekend, no need to have a hurtful repeat performance. Usually, I would just let him go, pray he stays safe and waits for him to get back, that is when I talk to him, and it will have nothing to do with the trip. More of how are you doing? good. How was the trip? good. Okay, thats good.  Do you frankly think I have nothing else to say to this guy? there is just nothing that is good enough to tell him. The bar he has set is too high for even me, his girlfriend.

At times I wonder if something happened to me, God forbid, would he even talk infront of people and say I was his girlfriend? would he even talk to my family, tell them that I was his faithful girlfriend for 2 years?  Sure, I know he would feel loss, because he is gentle inside. But I doubt he would lay claim to me having being his girlfriend. If it happened the other way, would I lay claim? I doubt. I would be totally scared. I guess its called learning from the best.

I hate this post.

Am I happy in this relationship? Only when he is around me, be it having a drink, having a stupid conversation... only and only when he is around me. My life is okay, I got a lot to thank God for, but in all frankness, relationship wise, I am as happy as long as I am talking to this guy or I am with this guy, which is say about 1 or 2 hours every week, and maybe 1 or 2 nights in a month.

With this post, I risk being ditched. I guess I am open to anything now.

Good day pals.

Dear Father in Heaven

I am so emotional today.

Mostly, being in this emotional state works against me, because it is my weakest state. That is why I remembered to pray when I woke up, something I rarely remember to do these days. Today I remembered to ask God to be with me, to help me, to be with me through this journey called life, to help me make wise decisions, and to come to my rescue because I am lost.

Ladybird is lost, ladybird has been so lost for quite some time, but she keeps forcing things to happen, because she believes that if these things happen, she will be happy. And this lady of the birds seeks happiness in life, its all she dreams about, a happy life, a stable family life without so many breakages in the family unit. But again, I have always believed in emotional connections as opposed to functional ones, and they sure do have their advantages because when it is emotional, people tend to do things without thinking, and we all know spontaneity is sexy. But the question is, to whose advantage is this spontaneity? is it balanced or is one party always on the losing side? psychologists believe in functional connections, and frankly speaking, I'm beginning to think they might be right. There is a reason they went to class to study this while I did not, its likely they know more about this than I do. I should learn to listen more.

I always know when I have lost a battle and it happens when I stop caring. I haven't stopped caring, not at all, but I have started to wish that I had. It is said that times bring people together, unfortunately I cannot say the same for me. Do I date a married man? if not, why so much strangeness and weirdness? I am a happy person, but there is a level of happiness that I only reach in the presence of one specific person, and I have never ever before reached that level of happiness. So am I living for the scarce and very rare very happy moments? What is the reason for living, what is the reason God created love in our hearts if for some reason these things will not be replicated? is God fair? What should I do? What should I pray for? Why am I so lost?

I pray that my dear God help me, shine a bright light to my path and reveal for me what is in store for me. If I happen to follow the rare but extremely happy moments, then bring into my heart satisfaction, patience, humility and appreciation, give me a supportive heart and spirit, remove from me the shame that looms large infront of me, I do not want to be shamed Father, shamed that I gave a man my all and he lied to me day after day, shamed to find out that the man I have surrendered my heart and body and time to is married, or does not care about me, my worries, or my concerns, for my face is yours, let my face not to be shamed dear God. In the case that I happen to follow a more controlled happy route, then dear God I pray that you be with me in every step, be the bearer of the happiness torch in my life, let me give utmost happiness to gain utmost happiness, protect me from regrets and unfulfilled dreams. All in all, I pray you guide my decisions. I am not the best of your children, I am not obedient, humble, or prayerful, but I turn to you in my lost and confused state Father. I submit my worries to you, my concerns to you, and my future to you. May your will be done. I pray this humbly and faithfully. Thank you Lord.

Getting a good man is akin to getting rich

There is a time when my facebook account had taken the form of an advice forum, for both young men and women who are in love or aspiring to be in love, that is until I met my dawa, someone who showed me that clearly it is easier said than done!

Anyway, one point that most ladies never seemed to understand is my love for a bad boy! By the way, I only date great men or men who are definitely destined for greatness, nothing short. And believe me, I have an eye for that. So when I talk about a bad boy, I do not talk of a man whore, but rather a man who eludes greatness and control in their every step  (take this literally, they all have a walking style) such that every lady wishes that one.

Let me put it this way, this life is all about feeling good, living good, and being happy. That is when you can actually call yourself blessed, not when you bring a jesus to the world. So, what makes a lady feel better that walking arm in arm with a man who everyone turns around to look at? who would not like to be the lady of the guy who rides a monster bike (and to have the authority to approach a fine looking lady and confidently tell her, "mamasita, you only get a ride, not a number")? or to be the woman who every woman looks at and says "what does he see in her?" or to be the woman who is humble, laidback, without a voice in a crowd of self feeling women, until her man approaches and she becomes the voice while the rest are left dumbstruck? if you haven't seen my point by now,...I actually have no name for you.

The benefits extend to old life. I mean, when you are 70 and at the edge, I presume you'll look back and reminisce and probably give your grand kids a wise word or two. What would you like to tell that child? and would you do it with a smile or a 'give up' sigh? You want to tell her, go for a conquerer, a man who is sure of himself like your granddad, a man who will make you proud to be a woman, because you are a member of this family and this family is made of greatness, ama you want to tell them, do what makes you happy kid, dont settle for less (like me)?

What are the thoughts of an old man who has been poor all his life? I'm thinking it would go like, "why did I end up so poor, what can I leave for my kids? how would life have been if I was rich? Why did I not take that risk?" similarly, a lady who settled for a man because he is not a challenge and she won't have to fight with other ladies thinks like this (I presume so anyway) "Was I ever beautiful? what did those ladies who ended up with a great man like (name a sexy dude who's got it) have better than me? how was life for those very lucky ladies? what can I advise my kids? to go for what they want or to have it plain but reliable like me?

After all said and done, I appreciate great men.  A great man is self made, he hustles to get what he has but does it in style. He walks with class, talks with pride, pursues with confidence, exudes greatness, declines women advances gently, leads his women (wife and daughters) with an gentle control and earns himself love and respect. 

That is why, whenever I see tens of women approach my man (in my sight, which means they could easily be hundreds when I am not there), I do not get angry or bitter. When I hear that he is going from one lunch to another with women clients, I do not get a headache. I allow myself a fast heart beat, a twinge of envy and a word of make it just  lunch because I am only human, but then I appreciate the challenge knowing carefully that it is that risk of dating a great man that will make my life worth the while. It is that risk that makes my adrenaline rush and keeps me youthful and healthy, it is a greater risk that gets you bigger results. Finally, I know I will be joyful, happiest and without regrets with this man as compared to 'okay and contented with what I have' with less.

Meanwhile I live my life to the fullest as I watch as the events of life unfold.

ps: Have you ever wondered why a man who has not talked to you for a year desperately looks you up to honour that promise of buying you choma? or why a man who had the perfect chance to date you but chose to ignore it tries to warm his way into this after 2 years? I'm having lots of these choma dates which I am taking without apology, whatever it is you want to put across, shauri yako. Mimi nikule nyama, niende kwangu. I am also having a couple of these overgrown flu cases (the second case) and I am tempted to be very rude.

Apologies

Do you think love regrows? Most of this year, I thought I had outgrown my obsession with a man, I thought I had become more mature in love, because now I was using more of my head and less of my emotions (Or is it desires?) to think. But yesterday, today, I feel weak. I feel completely out of breath whenever I think of this man. I'ts all I can do not to pick up my phone and write "I love you, come to me B". I am back in stage one, I'm in love all over again.

I know for sure, I will never outgrow this man.

I already apologized for this post.