A detailed recap

Sometimes you are lucky to come across a person with whom you share something so deep and special, and I have had the honor of having that. I am not here to brag though, not at all. Infact, my special ended, sometime back, and I know many have experienced a death of something special so I am not here to waste your time with my tears either. The reason I am here is because I feel there is unfinished business between us, and that we are not us anymore, not because we were such a bad match, but because so much between us was never said. I feel the need to keep my end of the bargain by speaking out, and because it’s likely that I will never have a chance to meet and express myself, here I am, pouring my sentiments to you ..., and any of your visitors who cares to listen.

He was so rugged, unshaved, rough… he was tall, huge, and disturbingly handsome, he was nothing short of a mini god. He over and over again managed to take my breath away. His eyes so sharp, it’s like he could see right through me. I kept talking and talking, and he was such a good listener. That was day 1 of meeting him. By the end of the day, I felt completely overwhelmed, I laughed so hard, I talked a lot, revealed too much, I touched, we held hands, I hang on to his arm, I leaned on him for support, everything you would think about in a fantasy, (without the 2 extremely intimate activities), all of it happened on that first day.

Over time, things got better. We could talk all day long, I listened to him talk about his victories proudly, pride that I found so appealing. I listened to him talk about his life, as I talked about mine. We met, unfortunately, not as often as I would have wanted. We kissed, stripped, slowly made love, then fast, then again, and again and again, I lost count. It was the same each time we met, magical. We matched so well, our hands fit together so well, our love making, our climaxes so spontaneous. We would bundle up in each other’s arms, sleep a bit, talk a bit, tease a bit, look deep into each other’s eyes, kiss, tease, make love, sleep, talk, kiss tease, make love…later we would park by the road side and talk for hours until it was time for me to leave.

He taught me so much, to persevere, to love life, to have fun, to read, to write, words, cool words, hard words, dirty words, about cars and most importantly music. He loves music and everything music. He taught me to take life lightly, he wrote about me, and I saved it. I had dreams and fantasies and I shared them. I built our house in my head, I saw our little ones…

As heavenly as it was in my head, things did not turn out so well in real life. We barely met, we took our jokes and teasing too far. We took what we had for granted. I was scared, and acted as such, and it was not good. He became a bit tense too, withdrawn, our not so close meetings drifted further, we fought more, lied too much… our relationship died a natural death.

The magic is not dead though. I still think of him all the time, I have tried moving on, meeting other guys, but none compares. I wish he knew how special he was to me, he still is. The way it ended, so abruptly. I never got a chance to tell him how good he made me feel, how proud I was whenever I hang on him arm as we walked across town, how restless I was whenever I anticipated meeting him, how free I felt whenever he sat across me listening to my never ending tales, how good he looked as he looked deep in my eyes  trying to study me, how each sight of him made me a little more helpless than I was before, how self conscious I felt each time we sat to chat after a whole day of wild love making, how his name was the song of my heart…so much to tell him.

I also wish to tell him a number of things I regret. How I regret not standing up to his lies, how I regret not making more demands to meet more often, how I regret letting the teasing and jokes get out of hand, how I regret my inability to express myself and my feelings to him, how I regret not taking time to assure him, to tell him that I saw the dark cloud that he was hiding from me, to tell him that he need not have kept me away, that I longed to share in his miseries, make it all ok, that he needed not drown his sorrows every weekend in poisonus waters, because I was here for him, willing to listen and willing to walk it with him, willing to be there for him till he healed of all his wounds to a point no scar remained, even if it meant that would be my work for the rest of my life, (especially because that is what I really wanted, to be his fall back for the rest of our lives), I regret not taking control of the relationship, because even the bible says that a woman is the driver in a relationship, I regret not asking kindly that he not give up on me, to understand my silence, to recognize my fears, like he did (Yes he asked me not to give up on him). I regret so much.

I wish to tell him that I LOVE him, I love him right, left and centre. And that if he could only take that risk with me all over again, I would make it worth his while, I would take control of what we have and lead him to his Eden.

Thank you for listening.