Happy Birthday to me

Two days ago was my birthday. Frankly speaking, so much has been going on in my life and I barely had any chance to celebrate. Turning  29 for me was a bittersweet experience. I am genuinely grateful for turning that much, I mean, in the words of any wise man, how many have not lived long enough to see that age? besides that, I am blessed and have hopes to continue being blessed in big ways. On the other end though, what cant I give to have that 9 transform miraculously to 4? the number 24 didn't just come from nowhere. When I celebrated my 24th birthday, it was my final semester in campus. I was pregnant with expectations of what to find out there, and I was so sure that my first car would be a KBH. hahaaa! Yahah, I'm laughing very sarcastically at myself but sarcasm or not, what would I not have given to be that naive and be so hopeful in life? I'm still hopeful by the way. I will give up when I turn 39, hehehe. 2nd thing, when I turned 24, I was 2 weeks pregnant and did not even know it! You would wonder why I would want to be pregnant; well, for a very simple reason really, it would be Bens! You didn't see that coming, did you? did you?... ah well, I'm working on being less predictable. But it's true, I love every bit of my baby, hair to toe nail, but if I had some sort of superpowers, the first thing I would change is his dad!

Anyway, despite all this, you would think I would get some uplifiting happy birthday messages. They did come, but mostly from my facebook friends, my lovely aunt and my two young cousins. Ben totally forgot about it, but why would I blame him? my own mother and my only two brothers forgot all about it. When I reminded my mom yesterday, she actually apologized by saying that she had totally forgotten I was born. Her exact words "Woi yaye! I'm so sorry sweetheart, I totally forgot you were born. Happy birthday yesterday'! Atleast that made me laugh, bitterly so. Needless to say, 2 days later, my so called brothers still don't remember I am a year older. Neither has my one and only sweetheart. Is this relationship so pathetic? but then that would make my sister brother relationship with my bros pathetic too. Who am I kidding, it is pathetic. I have bad relationship skills and I do not know how to create a presence or to influence. Which brings me to my next question, does lack of these qualities make me a deficient person? is being an introvert such a bad thing? Should I try to change this me and be more outgoing or..? Ok I will change this me, I have decided! And my specimen is:  sweet Ben, you will not know what hit you! You will love me without wanting to! hahaaa! Yahah! by now you know the sarcastic laugh, to myself.

What made my day though is 3 great special peopl who picked their phones and called (My cousins and aunt too are very special). The first one was a great man, he only can know himself. He has been a great friend in times of need and hapiness and he has been the easiest to talk to. Thank you man, you are precious. Second to call was a great friend of mine whose work has ensured she is stationed somewhere on the Kenya Uganda boarder for the last 3 years. She is a great friend who remembers me only on my birthday, probably because hers is only a week away. Then at night, my bitcheous best friend who is like me in so many ways (why the hell do I feel the need to change? I love this gal and she is so freaking like me!). Anyway, she did call, for two reasons. 1. She is my best friend and if she dared not call, she knows I will likely commit suicide! ha! 2. She gets intimidated when I turn a year older, it just reminds her how closely next she is, and how much better it would be if she accepted it early enough. Haha!

I really do wish I was turning 24.

Sometimes we gotta ask…

After being with someone for a long time, you realize that this person has something that you really love, or knows you so well to know what it is that makes you happiest or makes you saddest, or they give you something in a way that you’ve never been given before and is unlikely that you will ever be. But while this person has the capability to make you glow, they are also the reason for your saddest and lowest moments. They know where you hurt most and they hit you hard at that spot without apology. They know your weakest point and they shamelessly exploit it without the slightest twinge of guilt. Sometimes you gotta ask: Should there be a balance to this? Need you wipe out the glow you've put on someone’s face by doing the most hurting things to them? If you truly love someone, shouldn't the glow you put on them be there most of the time and the sadness be there only in unavoidable circumstances and not intentionally? Am I wrong to say that if you love me, then you need not tell me because I feel it? Need I tell you that if one keeps asking if you love them, it’s because they don’t feel like you do anymore? Do you know that if the feeling of love is slipping away, then it becomes hard for someone to remain their natural self around you, which in turn kills normal conversation between you? Instead they are afraid of saying or doing anything wrong to draw you further apart? Need I tell you how negatively this impacts on the quality of time you spend together?

Ladies and gentlemen, I apologize for being away for long without prior warning and at the same time, I beg to be allowed some time off. I have been away and need to be away because everything I feel like talking about is centered on my emotions, and if I decide to keep you updated on that, then the only way to do it is by posting huge teardrop on this page. Granted, I feel most special when seated next to him or across him. I get lost and forget all that’s around me when in his arms. I glow and have good times when I speak to him on phone. I wish time would stand still whenever we are making love. Question is, how often do I get to do this? How much do I have to beg before any of this happens? How many missed calls do I have to make before finally one of them gets picked up? How many times do I have to be stood up on dates before finally one of them materializes? That, ladies and gentlemen, is my teardrop. I beg to be excused.

PS: I have a question I need to pose to the gentlemen who come about this page. When you date a lady, and say as you are most tempted to see everything beautiful, you see this other lady who makes you drop off lady number 1 like hot iron. A week later, you realize you have made a major mistake and want  lady number 1 back, but she’s too fine to allow your greedy ass back in her life. 2 years down the line and you are still pursuing the same lady! Can someone please explain to me the psychology behind that? We’ve already established that you do have an eye for female beauty, and 2 years you are still bothering the same girl? Someone kindly explain. When it comes to ladies, I can tell you for sure, we won’t hang around quarter that much unless of course we are suffering from crazy obsession. The only guy I followed for sometime was a certain ex, not because I was obsessed with his black ass, but because I felt so guilty, having dated him for 5 years and finally could not settle with him. So I kept following him up and apologizing. After a number of unanswered texts, I decided that I had punished myself enough for the wrong I had done, and that was it. So tell me guys, what is the fuel that drives you to such craziness?