My Agony Issue

I've been away, I know, I apologize.


There are times when I think about my relationship and all I feel is utter joy, there are others, and few they are, when I think about it and I feel confused, stupid and ignorant, today is one of them, and as usual, those are the days you get to hear me rant.

Exactly a year ago, at a time like now, my boyfriend Ben, knew where I lived, knew my son,and practically knew almost all aspects of my life. Now, a year later, and 2 months shy of our second anniversary, I'm yet to step foot in my Ben's house, neither have I ever met his wonderful daughter. I really have nothing much to tell you, given I'm writing this from the gym bathroom all nude, but I sure have a few questions:

1. What is it that stops him from showing me his home? Is it a) I'm far from the woman he intends to show his house, leave alone to live with in the house or b) he's simply doesn't want me to meet his daughter?
2. When will I meet his daughter, it has been more than 18 months of meeting my little boy
3. If meeting his daughter is the issue, which I won't judge because I understand too well of some recent private developments, then why can I not go at this point when she's out on holiday? Though that still sounds like shortchanging myself, it's much better than the current situation
4. What can change this situation, me requesting? Hope so, and hope it won't generate into those times when I'm accused of not appreciating the miles and efforts
5. Finally, is it that I'm completely in my own world and closing my eyes to the obvious or am I experiencing a unique situation in my relationship, even I know the latter sounds unlikely.

Truth be told, I'm in this relationship because I want to and not because I need to, but I cannot close my eyes to the very obviously out of place situations. So I will ask and be in the know, because Ben and I can do so much together, and enjoy so much of this relationship if things were clear and transparent.

This is the plea that I want to, and I will, make to my boyfriend Ben, that indeed, I do not have the strength or will to walk away from him, that I do not have the heart to play games with him, that I have no desire to tease him that other men are available, because it is in fact general knowledge that they are there but indeed none is like him and none can replace him. Instead what I ask of him is, if he knows deep in his heart that he has no place for me in his heart or in his home, if he can truthfully say he is unsure of what he desires from me, then I humbly and sincerely request, that from the bottom part of his heart, he should stop stringing me along. I ask that, should the latter be the case, the he should stand up tall and walk away from me, because I will never do it. Is it possible for one to walk away from their happiness? Not really, what happens is that happiness walks away from one

Life Review

Its 3:49 am, and for the last 46 or so minutes, my life has been weird.

I woke up and went to the bathroom, not weird or strange at all, people do it all the time. All the same, I noted that I am not one of those people, I simply do not wake up at night for a call of nature, unless I'm having a runny stomach which I cannot remember happening either.

Anyway, after I visited the bathroom, I checked my watch (Or rather my cellphone which is usually under my pillow), and it was 3:03 am! I wanted to get my sleep back of course, but it wasn't happening. Instead, I found myself thinking of other things. It started by realizing that it was 3:00 am, the hour of the devil (Don't ask where I got that from, I really do not know, but I have always known it to be called so). So my mind went to, since the work of the devil is to steal, kill and destroy, does it mean that he/she does it at that hour? but then that would mean that everyone dies at that hour, which is a lie. I mean, just the other day, we lost bro. John Kozcka, founder, mentor and father to the ladies of Materi girls, it happened at 8:00 pm!

Soon, those thoughts were replaced by more disturbing thoughts, and before I share that with you, it is often said that when people pass on, they predicted their death. People who are left back on Earth will always find something that will imply that someone predicted their own death! I declare, before I proceed with this post, that I not only do not predict my own death, but also that I do not want it, I am not ready, not everything in this life is rosy, but for sure, the significant bit of it is wonderful, worthy living for and worthy praising my Messiah for! Someone shout Amen.

See the way people say 'kumbe chips ni viazi'? stupid at it seems, tonight it occured to me that infact, all that has to happen for anyone to die is for their heart to stop functioning. See, the same way you get a muscle pull on your foot and your foot gets paralyzed? something of the sort, only it happens permanently. So simple, so easy, right? I mean your heart just needs to stop and you are off the face of this earth! So you wonder, what is it that keeps it from not doing that, year after year? how many muscle pulls have you had in your life time? I'm guessing ranges from few to many depending on your knack for exercise.. anyway, getting off the point. My point is, it is so so very easy to die! and while us the young folks take life for granted because we do not expect to die ( who does?) and while we are not likely to just sleep and get off our (tired) bodies like some old folks do, we still see it happen to very many of us. So you are reading this because of one simple reason, Grace my friend, you are a recipient of God's amazing grace.

I have thought of death before, mostly, the word 'death' flashes across my brain and I shudder, thats it. An instance is when Ben and I were about to be turned into minced meat by an oncoming trailer. At that point I was just afraid, not of death, but of that trailer and what it was about to do to us (At that time, that did not come out as death, more of being minced up! its ok, I don't expect  you to understand how my brain works). Up until Ben mentioned that; had that happened, he would be lying in a mortuary with his tongue out while I would be lying in a coma in some ICU. Maybe he does think about death (does he really?). Anyway, at that point, I thought about death, for a millisecond or so, shuddered at the thought (as usual) and got that whole topic out of the way.

So this hour, I thought about death in detail. I realized how close we always are to it, plowing the streets of Nairobi like it was our birth right, driving on our highways like we were born doing so... for real, I got scared. I started to think of my death, it was so vivid. I could see my heart stopping, my body jerking in a losing battle to keep my heart functioning, my mouth foaming, ... the things that came in my mind were heartbreaking. For sure, the devil came to destroy my peace this night. It came to me that infact that could happen anytime, I have never wished for daylight so much in my life. I was practically counting my fingers for the hours left to light, simply so I can write down my wishes if I was to die. And I will, even if it will be on a piece of paper pulled out from baby's exercise book, but I have to, and I will review those wishes after every 6 months. I pray that God grants me long life to be able to do countless reviews to this.

You might wonder why I wanted to do a wish list. I thought of the loss that would be incurred would I die. Besides the pain of loss my family and friends would suffer, I realized that nothing in their lives would, I was not directly linked to any of their lives, not in any way. I am not married, nor am I in any worthy relationship where I can say my spouse would suffer. But infact it occured to me that my life was useful and directly linked to one major cause, my honey, the love of my life, my one and only son, the one person who made me fear and dread my death. What would happen of that child? where would he live? would they treat him as well as I would desire? where would he go to school? Who would toil and go up and down on his behalf? I pray to you God for long life. I thought about my family, my mom, I would not wish for this boy to go upcountry, instead, I would wish for him to attend the best schools ever in the city. Who would be responsible? my mom? my bro who's already overburdened with his 3 sons and currently without a stable job? would I disrupt my small bro's young life with responsibilities of a 5 year old? And I decided that I would want him to remain with my aunt who lives in Athi river, temporarily, but my mom would be solely the heir of my son. In me, I realized I trust my aunt at Athi river to shower my son with lots of love, take him to the best schools and manage the little I would have left with care.

I thought about what I own in this world, I will detail my investments, the whereabouts of my money, little as it is, those who owe me (hopefully they would pay). My car is valued for 600k. I would instruct that they sell it asap before it loses more value, at 500k and invest that money in government bonds. At first, I thought I would put Ben's contacts there, for him I trust would know best how to dispose that car for that amount, but then it occured to me that I was holding on to the last hopeless remnants of what in my mind, I have made to be a beautiful life with a man I love deeply. I thought that was going too far, maybe I will just stick to my familly. I have a cousin by the name of Roby, he knows a great deal about cars. He would assist with that.

I thought about my afterlife, was I ready for it? as part of my being ready, I realized I needed to mend the crappy ends of my Earthly life. I realized that indeed I didn't have many issues, not with my work, or my family, or my friends except one who's made me feel very betrayed lately. I realized that the bulk of my crap right now lied in my relationships. It occurred to me that were something to happen to me, I would not be said to have been in any worthy relationship. A few days ago, I said yes to a guy I genuinely like too much and who's been after me for long, but I am not ready to date or to consume that yes, not yet anyway. I think I need to be genuine and set that straight with him. My mind has been on Ben, all the time, I realized I need to work on that. Hope in that has diminished, the candle of that has burned out, later, he will be a handsome guy  I used to know and love a great deal. In that case, I need to steer clear of thoughts and feelings for him when planning my life, as I wait for the thoughts and feelings to fade off too. Yeah, I need to mend that bit of my life, it is my trouble point at the moment.

The necessary sorrow

I remember making a vow, that this breakup will not make me cry, now matter what. Well, today morning I cried some, after holding on to that vow for so  long, okay, so I cried a wee 2 more times. Fine, I cried. All in all, the crying was not much as would have been anticipated when you've been dumped by a man who you've adored, almost worshiped for 2 years. Something I have experienced so far that was unique for this break up was anger. Damn it, I was angry! Yaani I was so angry, everyone in the office noticed. A day later I had to pinch our accountant for giving me money without even looking at me or even asking questions, like dude! I am not always angry, and once in a while it is healthy.

What I have noticed though is that breakup is a sorrowful experience, more so if you are the type that stays alone for long moments. The thoughts that cross your mind too are a bit disturbing, I wont be surprised why some people turn suicidal. I mean, if you do follow your thinking, you'll also stand in the middle of a busy road. For some reason, rarely will your thoughts be about the person getting another mama and you getting another dude, or him dating your friend (Though disturbingly, that thought did cross my mind). Its always about how it would have been, how I would have been the mother of his 7 year old daughter (and only rosy images would cross your mind here), how things would change and he would not want to live life without you, how he would introduce you to his family, how you would be that much needed back bone to his dreams, how he would be the one to always take your car to the garage and pick you if you are stuck...

For some reason, these thoughts are most unhealthy. Because now, you cannot imagine ever being with another man, you cannot imagine being without him, and thats where desperation  kicks in and you want to do something drastic to bring him back. e.g. you wish you would fall sick so he would feel guilty... at times, you even wish he would be in a situation where he desperately needs you, then he can realize how much he needs you... DESPERATION! such a stinky thing

All in all, I think this sorrow is only necessary for your healing. At some point in my sorrow, I do sit and ask myself if maybe this was infact God's grace on your path. Like now, after a tearful morning, I visit ladybird and I notice that like 4 of my previous posts were complainant in nature. Then I remember the cause of the breakup, it's because I made noise for him after he requested, for the second time, that he goes on a trip with my friend, whose eyes turn into dancing stars whenever she sees him. Maybe, just maybe...

All in all, sorrow cannot be avoided. I would be in the relationship, thinking that he is on a barbecue making trip with some random chik, and my soul would sink, and bitterness would crowd, and I would still shed tears. Again, I can keep saying no to trips with my friend, but when he is soo keen to go with her (why the constant asking?) and she too keen to agree (how hard is it to discourage your friends bf to talk to you, especially when it clearly is an issue with your friend?)

For sure, sorrow is a sad thing, but whether you hide in a relationship, or you agree to the happenings, sorrow will come.

Love is friendship

Its not like I'm stupid and blind that I cannot see the lies, It is not that I am unfeeling, my heart does not cringe whenever you chuck one mean statement after another, it is not that I am slow, I do not notice you avoid any circumstance that will put me in close proximity to yours, its not like I am retarded I do not notice that you like someone better, you protect someone better, you wish for something that was. I see all that, I feel all that, but I ignore it, day after day, month after month and now year after year, because I love you and deep in me I haven’t found a better dream that you and I. My meek attempts are not meant to bother you, it is said that it’s important to revisit your dreams and make sure that they make sense, that they are still valid, that they did not lose relevance while you were busy clinging onto their promise of eternal happiness.

Love truly is friendship, else it’s not complete. You know your friends , you understand them, most important, you understand where they are coming from and where they are headed. When I express my concerns about the possibility of losing my only savings in an investment, you do not turn to me and tell me ‘oh I had forgotten who I was talking to’, or ‘I just don’t know you’, you are supposed to tell me, ‘my dear, I understand you, or I don’t understand you, but your fear is unfounded, I will never expose you’. When I am near you, I am supposed to ask  how you are, how your family is, I am not supposed to feel deep fear whenever I attempt to ask about your personal life.

For sure, no matter how godly your looks are, no matter how magnificently you are created, no matter how much in control you are, no matter how much you make my knees go weak and no matter how ambitious you are; love without friendship is useless. We cannot claim to love the other when you do not genuinely care about their every aspect of life. This is not love. Whatever it is, it will never work.

This for you bitch

I felt so bad when my boyfriend said that this chik who's after him said I was not pretty enough for him. I'm so angry about this, more to my boyfriend for allowing this cheap average looking bitch to talk ill of me infront of him! I'm more offended thinking of the type and quality of bitch who thinks she has a right to judge me. Bitch is:
1. Average looking but delusional enough to think she is cute
2. Dating a married man
3. The said married man also happens to be short and hasn't got much going either. (Sorry)
4. Gets mad when the said married man looks at other hot chiks (What did bitch expect? this is getting me angry)
5. Can't even operate a freaking car stereo yet she's from a freaking rich family. She's likely borrowed
6. Has no morals or values yet she still has the guts to think she's desirable. Bitch, you are running after a man, disqualifying his girlfriend yet you saw him while on a trip where you were fucking his married friend, bitch, your IQ needs some watering
6. Bitch has average looks and a pussy stinking of sperms from various men, you lack self respect
7. Bitch is badmouthing a man's long time serious girlfriend yet you're so desperate for him, now you have reached a point where you are begging him for a one time fuck, and thats after meeting him on a trip taken to fuck the married man.
8. Your self esteem is at the lowest, thats why you can be collected for a random trip by a short married man
9. Bitch is in need of salvation, that might make your pussy less active and less stinky, bitch!
10. The guy you are busy running after called you a bitch the first time he met you, and pretended to save your number when all he thought was go to hell bitch and discarded it. Then you still go ahead to hunt his number and offer yourself in a manner cheaper than rotten mangoes selling during a mango season.

From my brothers words, you are a malicious cheap skank acting out of self interest. He cannot be more right.

A piece of advice, you need to sit and reevaluate yourself and your approach. Your looks are not what can be called beautiful, there is real beauty outside there, and this man had seen it all before he chose me, so before you open your mouth, it's important that you reevaluate your strategy and ensure you don't leave such stupid loopholes, but that means you will need a brain first.

Again, you do not go after a man and offer to drop the man who you just slept with the previous night for him, and especially a married man. Do you envision that chain? that man slept with his wife the day before, and maybe some two more skanks like you, you don't even know what his wife is usually up to when he's out with you. Then you sleep with this guy that same night, and probably you had another one during the day - highly likely because you are aware you are just a clande to this one. Then you propose the same thing to a decent man few hours later! Bitch, how shallow are you? you did not even allow his sperms to drip outside out of your vagina, probably his mixed with another persons. And you even think thats attractive? The man you are approaching just had sex 3 times with his girlfriend that night. You sure are one dirty bitch! You need prayers.

Sex action which shows the different men of whom sperms you carried at that single time, and shows your desire to even carry more you shameless bitch

I did not seek to know your name, leave alone to have your contacts despite the fact that we spent the whole day in the same company. That is because you do not deserve it, all I saw was a pretentious self feeling bitch and the only thing you did was keep tabs on a married man, and you think you are better! laughable. Btw, thanks a lot for smothering my mans ego, he did not need it though, I can tell you that man knows he's handsome, and he has heard it from more decent, high quality, deserving women, not a cheap skunk who won't mind 3 dicks a day and millions of sperms from about 5 different sources floating in her at the same time.

You need to be ashamed.

Now that I do not know you, or how to reach you, I trully hope that someone will be generous enough to get this to you.

CHEAP SKUNK! yes, thats skunk with a u, because you stink.

I Infact have that soft spot

Yesterday I was talking to my man, and I happened to offer my condolences for a close bereavement, and he acted so surprised that I had done that. Apparently, he is not used to me caring!

Coincidentally, this came the same day I was thinking about the way people look at me as some strong and unforgiving woman. On Monday on my way to work, I was arrested for overlapping. I had given a certain youngish boy from our work a lift. What happened next surprised even me (much later that is). All of a sudden, I couldn't stand his presence! I tried pursuading him on our way to the police station, very gently, that he should proceed to work, which is a walking distance from the said police station, and leave me to handle that, but he won't go. His insisting really got into my nerves so bad, needless to say, he left but he's barely spoken to me since then, I did ask a bit too strongly that he leave immediately. After I calmed down, I kinda felt guilty. I tried to understand why I wanted him away so strongly, and I realized I just couldn't stand him seeing me in a weak state! In a state where I was required to somehow listen, be gentle and be the one to give way even though I was strongly convinced I was not on the wrong. Or maybe, I didn't want him to see an irritated me, it's not a good sight.

Does that make me strong and unforgiving? On the outside maybe, I can be strangely unforgiving, true. Especially when it means me being portrayed as weak. But I do not think I am any of this, infact, I am one gentle soul inside of me.

Back to my man for instance, do I never care? I would say that is untrue, I trully and genuinely care. Just because I lack soft words to express myself does not mean I do not care. Back when we were just starting to date, I would wonder where he is, is he safe? I would call, he would not pick up, so I would sleep a worried person, the next day, he would be just okay. I guess I got used to him being okay all the time! The other day when we went to Nakuru, and he was riding while the rest of us were driving, I frankly could not keep it off my mind how dangerous riding is, coupled now with long distance on a road full of black spots and long trailers! So did I call him to check if he arrived well? I did! He just did not pick my call up! Now, this is not the only example I have. At times, this man opens up to me (rare though). Sometime last year, he used to have a photo of his beautiful daughter taken with her grandma in his car. Do you know what made him hide that photo? me! One day I looked at that photo and he just snatched it from me! My boyfriend just won't allow himself to be weak around me, and every time I show some concern, he thwarts it. How can I show concern when its not appreciated? or when it is looked at like I am acting so as to trap him into marriage?

At one point last year, he said that if I wanted to spend some time with him, I should request. Do I do that? a few times, and rarely has any ever been honoured. I do not think if it were you, you would keep asking, would you? No need to be unnecessarily disappointed when you could easily avoid it with a little ignorance.

In October last year my very close uncle passed away, it was so painful. All I can say is that, I doubt that he even got to know about it, and if he did, he never mentioned it! I go through a lot in my life, I go through very bad periods in my life, where a soft word or a few minutes spent with the man I love would make a difference, but he never ever gets to know about it. Some few weeks ago, I got to know about some really serious issues this guy was going through. For quite some time now, he has been going through some personal, very delicate and sensitive issues. I got to know all about it last month. I have thought about that so much, and prayed about it, but frankly speaking, I haven't offered the support needed of a girlfriend. So is it that I don't care? I do, a lot. There is just no platform to air it! In this relationship, there is no space for weakness, so I just don't.  It goes without saying, that my being weak is not appreciated, not is it cared for (when do you get to be weak when you see a person once in a month? at that point all you want is to enjoy the company you are likely to get again after one month!).

After being in this relationship for a very long time, I think this has just transmitted into every aspect of my life. Like today, my boyfriend travelled with a 'light' girl upcountry, because I am too 'heavy'. Of course I care about his well being, but if I called do you think he would pick up? I don't think so, I tried last weekend, no need to have a hurtful repeat performance. Usually, I would just let him go, pray he stays safe and waits for him to get back, that is when I talk to him, and it will have nothing to do with the trip. More of how are you doing? good. How was the trip? good. Okay, thats good.  Do you frankly think I have nothing else to say to this guy? there is just nothing that is good enough to tell him. The bar he has set is too high for even me, his girlfriend.

At times I wonder if something happened to me, God forbid, would he even talk infront of people and say I was his girlfriend? would he even talk to my family, tell them that I was his faithful girlfriend for 2 years?  Sure, I know he would feel loss, because he is gentle inside. But I doubt he would lay claim to me having being his girlfriend. If it happened the other way, would I lay claim? I doubt. I would be totally scared. I guess its called learning from the best.

I hate this post.

Am I happy in this relationship? Only when he is around me, be it having a drink, having a stupid conversation... only and only when he is around me. My life is okay, I got a lot to thank God for, but in all frankness, relationship wise, I am as happy as long as I am talking to this guy or I am with this guy, which is say about 1 or 2 hours every week, and maybe 1 or 2 nights in a month.

With this post, I risk being ditched. I guess I am open to anything now.

Good day pals.

Dear Father in Heaven

I am so emotional today.

Mostly, being in this emotional state works against me, because it is my weakest state. That is why I remembered to pray when I woke up, something I rarely remember to do these days. Today I remembered to ask God to be with me, to help me, to be with me through this journey called life, to help me make wise decisions, and to come to my rescue because I am lost.

Ladybird is lost, ladybird has been so lost for quite some time, but she keeps forcing things to happen, because she believes that if these things happen, she will be happy. And this lady of the birds seeks happiness in life, its all she dreams about, a happy life, a stable family life without so many breakages in the family unit. But again, I have always believed in emotional connections as opposed to functional ones, and they sure do have their advantages because when it is emotional, people tend to do things without thinking, and we all know spontaneity is sexy. But the question is, to whose advantage is this spontaneity? is it balanced or is one party always on the losing side? psychologists believe in functional connections, and frankly speaking, I'm beginning to think they might be right. There is a reason they went to class to study this while I did not, its likely they know more about this than I do. I should learn to listen more.

I always know when I have lost a battle and it happens when I stop caring. I haven't stopped caring, not at all, but I have started to wish that I had. It is said that times bring people together, unfortunately I cannot say the same for me. Do I date a married man? if not, why so much strangeness and weirdness? I am a happy person, but there is a level of happiness that I only reach in the presence of one specific person, and I have never ever before reached that level of happiness. So am I living for the scarce and very rare very happy moments? What is the reason for living, what is the reason God created love in our hearts if for some reason these things will not be replicated? is God fair? What should I do? What should I pray for? Why am I so lost?

I pray that my dear God help me, shine a bright light to my path and reveal for me what is in store for me. If I happen to follow the rare but extremely happy moments, then bring into my heart satisfaction, patience, humility and appreciation, give me a supportive heart and spirit, remove from me the shame that looms large infront of me, I do not want to be shamed Father, shamed that I gave a man my all and he lied to me day after day, shamed to find out that the man I have surrendered my heart and body and time to is married, or does not care about me, my worries, or my concerns, for my face is yours, let my face not to be shamed dear God. In the case that I happen to follow a more controlled happy route, then dear God I pray that you be with me in every step, be the bearer of the happiness torch in my life, let me give utmost happiness to gain utmost happiness, protect me from regrets and unfulfilled dreams. All in all, I pray you guide my decisions. I am not the best of your children, I am not obedient, humble, or prayerful, but I turn to you in my lost and confused state Father. I submit my worries to you, my concerns to you, and my future to you. May your will be done. I pray this humbly and faithfully. Thank you Lord.

Getting a good man is akin to getting rich

There is a time when my facebook account had taken the form of an advice forum, for both young men and women who are in love or aspiring to be in love, that is until I met my dawa, someone who showed me that clearly it is easier said than done!

Anyway, one point that most ladies never seemed to understand is my love for a bad boy! By the way, I only date great men or men who are definitely destined for greatness, nothing short. And believe me, I have an eye for that. So when I talk about a bad boy, I do not talk of a man whore, but rather a man who eludes greatness and control in their every step  (take this literally, they all have a walking style) such that every lady wishes that one.

Let me put it this way, this life is all about feeling good, living good, and being happy. That is when you can actually call yourself blessed, not when you bring a jesus to the world. So, what makes a lady feel better that walking arm in arm with a man who everyone turns around to look at? who would not like to be the lady of the guy who rides a monster bike (and to have the authority to approach a fine looking lady and confidently tell her, "mamasita, you only get a ride, not a number")? or to be the woman who every woman looks at and says "what does he see in her?" or to be the woman who is humble, laidback, without a voice in a crowd of self feeling women, until her man approaches and she becomes the voice while the rest are left dumbstruck? if you haven't seen my point by now,...I actually have no name for you.

The benefits extend to old life. I mean, when you are 70 and at the edge, I presume you'll look back and reminisce and probably give your grand kids a wise word or two. What would you like to tell that child? and would you do it with a smile or a 'give up' sigh? You want to tell her, go for a conquerer, a man who is sure of himself like your granddad, a man who will make you proud to be a woman, because you are a member of this family and this family is made of greatness, ama you want to tell them, do what makes you happy kid, dont settle for less (like me)?

What are the thoughts of an old man who has been poor all his life? I'm thinking it would go like, "why did I end up so poor, what can I leave for my kids? how would life have been if I was rich? Why did I not take that risk?" similarly, a lady who settled for a man because he is not a challenge and she won't have to fight with other ladies thinks like this (I presume so anyway) "Was I ever beautiful? what did those ladies who ended up with a great man like (name a sexy dude who's got it) have better than me? how was life for those very lucky ladies? what can I advise my kids? to go for what they want or to have it plain but reliable like me?

After all said and done, I appreciate great men.  A great man is self made, he hustles to get what he has but does it in style. He walks with class, talks with pride, pursues with confidence, exudes greatness, declines women advances gently, leads his women (wife and daughters) with an gentle control and earns himself love and respect. 

That is why, whenever I see tens of women approach my man (in my sight, which means they could easily be hundreds when I am not there), I do not get angry or bitter. When I hear that he is going from one lunch to another with women clients, I do not get a headache. I allow myself a fast heart beat, a twinge of envy and a word of make it just  lunch because I am only human, but then I appreciate the challenge knowing carefully that it is that risk of dating a great man that will make my life worth the while. It is that risk that makes my adrenaline rush and keeps me youthful and healthy, it is a greater risk that gets you bigger results. Finally, I know I will be joyful, happiest and without regrets with this man as compared to 'okay and contented with what I have' with less.

Meanwhile I live my life to the fullest as I watch as the events of life unfold.

ps: Have you ever wondered why a man who has not talked to you for a year desperately looks you up to honour that promise of buying you choma? or why a man who had the perfect chance to date you but chose to ignore it tries to warm his way into this after 2 years? I'm having lots of these choma dates which I am taking without apology, whatever it is you want to put across, shauri yako. Mimi nikule nyama, niende kwangu. I am also having a couple of these overgrown flu cases (the second case) and I am tempted to be very rude.

Apologies

Do you think love regrows? Most of this year, I thought I had outgrown my obsession with a man, I thought I had become more mature in love, because now I was using more of my head and less of my emotions (Or is it desires?) to think. But yesterday, today, I feel weak. I feel completely out of breath whenever I think of this man. I'ts all I can do not to pick up my phone and write "I love you, come to me B". I am back in stage one, I'm in love all over again.

I know for sure, I will never outgrow this man.

I already apologized for this post.

The Small Bed Theory

Do you remember the guy I dated for 5 years? since I was 19 to 24 yrs? We were so ambitious, always knew that we would be rich, very rich. But he maintained one theory, that no matter how rich we will be, our bed will be a tiny 3 inch by 6 inch! Yes, that's the size of bed you lie on when you are in high-school in Kenya. The reasoning behind this weirdness was, if ever I was mad at him, I would have no space to run to at night. So whether or not I want it, I would still be close to him, and trust me, for a guy, whether you face him or show him your back, both are turn-on positions!.

This weekend, my man and I slept on such a bed, and this theory could not be any wronger! at least from the lady's side. See he was furious at me (that story in a short while), and yes, that bed could be smaller anytime! All the time I kept thinking, these efforts by me are so useless, they aren't helping at all. I should be the one mad at him, then I would turn my back on him, and his thick arousal would touch my ass, and his arms would fly over me and cup my boob, and I that anger would simmer away, and be replaced by only those who watch in the dark knows what, and we would be ok, and we would make love around our issue, whole night, 8 times, and the following day we would hug and kiss in public, and we would be greater that we were before. See why only women are allowed to be furious?! And I realized the small bed theory doesn't work, angrily so! I think a smaller bed would be better, maybe 1.5 inch by 6 inch, coz that means one has to sleep on top of the other, and you have to keep switching places. Where are the inventors of today?!

Second time to say so, I have an unmatched capability to sabotage a working relationship. And this time round, I was very close to making a huge mess of mine. I thought that my man was testing me, and I decided to be bright; not a very bright idea it seems. It didn't end up well, but I am hoping we are okay. At least I know we are better that 2 days ago, maybe the small bed isn't as bad as I am portraying it to be.

Today I feel sentimental, and having been at the brink of losing a wonderful 2 year relationship, I now know the power of appreciation. At times, its good to open our eyes, notice the good we have going and stop taking it for granted like we deserve it and more. I have a great man, damn, I have a hot man! And I mean universally hot. I sat this weekend and watched as ladies shamelessly went gaga around him, as ladies with their men besides them stared and wished and swallowed the envy. I sat through a monologue of how a girl would gladly give herself to my man anytime from a great great girlfriend, the example being herself. Which by the way means its time she was kept far away from him. Besides that, I have a great friend, I have a man who thinks about me, comes to see me, wishes the best for me, calls me when he is furious at me just so I can have a good time, a friend who leaves his friends to come and sleep with me, notwithstanding that he will sleep with his back to me, I have a man who my son adores - a cause for worry I must admit. Sometimes I fear for that boy.

I have a man, who rides a super-bike for hundreds and hundreds of kilometers, I'm not bragging, at least I am trying hard not to

I love that man.

So lessons learnt this past weekend, the small bed does not really work, maybe a smaller one will do better; While men claim to love bright women, don't try to be too bright, just learn different car models (no need to know the engine type and how many cylinders it has, no one expects you to know), at least know what the president is up to and be brilliant at your work that you can advice your (yours and his) business. Otherwise, let the rest be. A final lesson learn to appreciate and say it in words.

Thats it.

The self acclaimed bitch

I just have to tell you about this bitch! Otherwise I will not have done this blog any justice by keeping a classic episode to myself.

I met this bitch on the webs, facebook to be very specific. I have no idea how she ended there, one of those times I get annoyed by so many pending requests and just confirm them all. She claims to be my former school mate, possibly is, I was an arrogant bitch in school, too much into my own, could not be bothered to know bitches who were not worth it, men too. And the bitch clearly wasn't!

What more, she’s a freaking lesbian! That’s right! Bitch's a freaking pussy eating ogress. Not that I have any issues with a bitch turned lesbian, but this I do, and any other self made lesbian who still revels in having classic dick, not withstanding if it’s a friend’s man. How is this bitch a lesbian? She should be kicked out of the fucking club. Bitch only calls herself lesbian coz she’s not worth salt and could never earn herself a respectable dick. Bitch bitch bitch!

Anyway, to the story. This bitch chats me up, leads me to agree to go down coast where she lives with my man for a threesome. (yes, I can be that stupid). We plan it up, all coz I want to spice things up for my man, I mean, if I believe the kind of lies I get from this dude, then mine is the only pussy he has had for the last one and half years. In that case, what’s wrong with wanting to get him some little extra excitement, me too in the process? I’m not complaining about our sex life, shit! This guy in me is like an Israelite bomb going off! All I’m saying is, which Israeli scientist wont like to make the bomb bigger and better? I liked the idea of adding spice into our somesome, I was going for it.  So I make the mistake of giving my tiger her number, all forgetting how fast he takes to such things. He talks to her ASAP, and because she’s a freaking man bitch in disguise, she cannot control her juices, she cannot even give me enough time to plan for the trip.

Something happens, my man has to go down to coast urgently this weekend! You know the problem I have with writing my episodes in this blog? I keep identifying loop holes as I write, like the sudden urgent need by this guy to go to coast! Loopholes I could do without right now.

So, for some reason, I ask this bitch to be his company (I agreed I am stupid). In my defense, she was a lesbian last time I checked, and she only does men once or twice a year only when there’s something interesting to come out of it, e.g. if its in a threesome. Kuuumbe! All of a sudden, the bitch takes a morality high road with me, eti for a couple headed for marriage, suggesting a threesome to my man is a no no! apparently he will lose respect for me! YEES! That coming from a bitch who does bitches!

On the other hand, I had just talked to this dude and suggested he let her show him some nice joints and such. Do you know what he said? He asked if I am sure! Apparently, he claims they might get drunk and things might happen! Do people in this planet ever have any sort of self control anymore? Why do you need to blame alcohol for some freaking shitty actions?

And then the bitch goes on to threaten me that she's going to screw him! like the man has no say in it!. I'm hoping he does...

Aaarrrggghhh! I’m so angry I could snap someone’s neck.

On second thought, why the hell do I care? Fuck the fuckers, fuck the self acclaimed bitches, fuck those who blame booze for their stupid actions!

Oh, fuck trying too much; I’m so tired of this shit. I remain me, the bitch who loves her sex missionary style (because she can hug, kiss her man and revel in his sweaty sexy chest hair) and any other position that will ensure full body touch and a maximum penetration of her mans dick into her pussy! Take that and eat it, fuckers!

Concerned About My Sex Life

Yes! There’s a red siren in that bit of my life. For those who wish to know, which is all of you given you are past the posts heading, I have had sex 6 times this year! Wait on, make that 6 separate days and not times, which is not a consolation given we are in the 8th month of the year and if you did basic calculus, you realize that’s 0.75 times a month or 0.03 times a day!

I know you wonder, am I interested in sex? Answer is 101%. Not only am I sexually healthy, I love having sex, as long as there’s attraction and some sort of compatibility between the involved parties. Next question is, do I have a boyfriend? Well, I have had one for the last 1 year 5 months, not that it matters given that those who know the value and pleasure they derive from sex do have it constantly, probably daily, boyfriend or not. Come to the third question, is your boyfriend impotent? That question just got me laughing; it’s good that I can laugh at my own jokes. Answer is, for the 6 active days I got to have him sexually this year, it was mind blowing, toe curling and heart breaking. Heart breaking because every time he is in me, I keep thinking get the most you can girl, try milk everything you can because that’s likely the most you will get in a long long time. I agree, my sex life is sad. Anyhu, he is a lot of things, not impotent, he delivers wonderfully and selflessly and clearly knows his way around. Which then means he must be sexually active, which given the fact that I am not sexually active begs the question, how is that possible? The next question you might probably ask is, is it the first time it has occurred to me that I am 90% likely not alone? Answer is no. I’m neither stupid nor naïve, but like every other woman I hate to be hurt, I like to imagine and fantasize that I am alone, I am special, I am loved and that my man loves having sex with me and only me. Speaking of which, this desire to be a good woman, to be whole and independent, to get married and soon and to have a beautiful long lasting marriage till death do us part is not doing me any good. Frankly my life was better and way more interesting when I was a bad girl. If it were then, I can promise you the number of sex days this year would surpass my fingers, my toes and all protruding parts of my body counted thrice.

You know, until now, I have never really sat down and thought about how exciting or whacky my sex life is. Save for that that one time in college when I had two separate run downs on the same day! Btw, you better forget you’ve read that, because if you confront me, I will deny it and you in the process. Anyway, today I’m thinking about my sex life. I’m 29, it should be the height of my sexual activities, I should be getting one orgasm after another, day after day, not one orgasm in 2 months damnit. In 15 years to come, I will be getting hot flushes and will have fallen below my active capacity. Even the Bible does say there is a time for everything, it is my time to enjoy constant even excess sex, and I’m getting none, what? Because I am faithful? Because I can’t enjoy being with someone else? Because I need to be a good woman? And for who? For him? This strategy calls for replanning. Unless I am in a man’s house, I do not belong to any man. I’m so sorry to that part of me that is guilty and yearns to do right, but the human side of me got rights too, and the immediate one is a right to sex! So this is what is gonna happen, I cannot sleep with a random man, so I do need a boyfriend. Now, this boyfriend will be chosen on two grounds, likelihood to be faithful, and some kiasi attraction. Given that his mandate is to keep me satisfied, I shouldn’t look for a face that I want plastered on my kids, right? Which makes things easier because now I just got a hoardful of candidates. Also the length we are going to last with this man will depend on one thing, his ability to make my lips touch my toes in pleasure.

 That said and decided, here is something I am promising the little horny freak inside of me, we deserve great sex and we will get it. Never again in my lifetime will I ever date a man who is unavailable for me sexually, never!. I refuse to be tied into old age habits when I am still young. I refuse regrets later in life, not on stuff I can control anyway. If there is no guy, I will get me something temporary till the guy comes. I feel good already, horny and ready.

What I Want

I'm so tired of keeping things to myself, when things are going well or when they are going bad. Who cares anyway, what purpose does it serve to keep things on the inside? I want things, and today, I'm letting you in on my wishes and worries:

1. I want more money. I want to start a business and it to be successful. I want to be able to live the life that i want, I want to pay my baby's school fees without feeling like someone is threatening my life and without cutting on the necessities, I want to send something small to the people who brought me up, when they need it and when I feel they need it.

2. If I only had school financing, I want to go to back to school, do a masters in market research, branding option. I want to become a prominent brand manager for a renowned brand or if God's smile reaches me, my own brand. I want to go to school and be in control of where I work, who I work for / with and be the final word on the income I want.

3. I want to cut weight and trim out, be able to buy me beautiful clothes and fit beautifully(ier) in them. I want to go the gym and yogas without feeling like someone is molesting my pocket

4. I want to see my baby in the best schools in Nairobi. I want to buy him the latest playstation. I want to be able to go to the supermarket and choose for him a birthday gift guided not by the price tag but by the impact it will have in his life

5. I want to be able to afford a holiday once in a while, to thank my body for the toil and for all those years surviving under scorching sun without burning down. I want to be able to go on a road trip and to be able to visit my friends every so often without taking my eyes to the fuel gauge every 50 metres.

6. I know you are surprised to see this come this much later knowing how important it is, but frankly, I'm trying to not let this be the center stage of my life. I wanna some man love. I want a tall, built, beautiful man, without a beery belly and with big magnificent hands and chest. I want him to go weak for me, to not be able to live without me and to put a ring on my finger. I want a daddy for my son, and a companion for my life. I want a man to vent my love and affection on, to spoil, drag around for holidays, iron shirts for, argue constantly with and make up in special ways. I want a man to share my bed as I use his chest for a pillow. I want my own man because they promised me that my man is out there, they that know best about these things.

7. I want to have courage to face my fears, to be confident to keep away from me what is not working and embrace what is. I want assurance that I will get something (a man) beautiful in physique as I have but better in nature than I've got. Yes, I have moved on in my heart but I also wanna move on in my act.

8. I want blessings for my family, friends and all those I know. I want to never have to console or assure anyone because there is no need to as everyone is living their lives the way they want to. I want my prayers to go further than the roof.

9. I want God to know that I am grateful for who I am and what I got, because I trully am. I want God to know that I have faith in Him, and I am waiting for his rightful time to grant me my desires. All the same, I want God to know that I do need a husband soon, maybe sooner than He is planning for me. I want God to bring a person with MY physical specifications and HIS spiritual specifications.

10. I want you all friends, to have a beautiful weekend.

I dont like Shakira

I plan to follow the 2014 Fifa worldcup to the very last match. Ignore the fact that I have missed the first four and I am likely to miss the next 8! 

To the point: the world cup reminds me of the previous world cup in 2009 and happily, of the world cup soccer anthem Shakira's Waka Waka. I say happily because that song brought happiness to my life, 2009 is the year my son was born, and believe it or not, he watched the entire world cup! He would not miss a match, I kept going to the hospital because of the effect the TV was having on his eyesight. His first word was baooo! and the first song he learnt was Wakawaka. It was wakawaka everywhere, my ringtone, the only video my phone could support at the time as it had no mem card slot... it was the song my son learnt the words before he learnt to call me mama.

Our love for Wakawaka and the impact of the song in my house not withstanding, Shakira is the one artist I can genuinely say I don't like (I am avoiding to use strong language here). Other artists, well, I'm indifferent. They can do whatever they like as long as they don't get into my personal space the way Shakira did.

Ignoring my many childhood mishaps, there is one factor in my growing up life that has been very sensitive, my boobs. I know I have mentioned this before but my boobs were my biggest cause for concern. (My mothers too if you count the number of times she seemed completely lost when it came to bra shopping). Unlike many teenage girls, at class 5, aged 10, I had visible boobs! yes, that is so true! By the time I was 13, my boobs were that size that every man dreams of. Just big enough, firm and sharply pointed! I also loved them, that is until they started growing at an alarming rate. I got my first toy bra at 13 years, by the time I went to high school, I had to wear a real bra, by my second year, I could not wear my first year bras, and that happened again in my 3rd form. By the time I was in fourth form, my boobs could not support their own weight, I could not walk without a bra, I had issues dancing or participating in any sporty activities and my mom was completely lost on what to do. I remember vowing that my first salary would go to plastic surgery, and if you doubt how bad it was, let me tell you that I actually went to Karen hospital and inquired on the charges for plastic surgery, which were prohibitive and thankfully so because now, having grown up, I changed my mind and I love my boobs the way they are: BIG AND FULL!

Anyway, back to Shakira, my problem with her started when she released that song Whenever Wherever. Very specifically, the line that goes 'lucky that my boobs are small and humble so you don't confuse them for mountains'. That song was released in my 1st or 2nd year in high school, just when my boobs were growing out of control. Allow me to use the word I have been avoiding, I hated Shakira and everything to do with her; including her small and humble boobs with a passion. To this day, despite the impact her song had in my life, I do not like Shakira, at all.

Now that I am grown up, the issues with my boobs are almost gone. Almost because no matter how much I love and accept them, they are still a challenge to dress. A proper bra for me goes for KES 2500, while the normal bra goes for 100 or the sexiest matched lingerie goes for not more than 800 in the very same damn shop! I have like 15 bras, of which I only wear 3 because the way they make me look matters. When I was a broke chik trying to work her way up, I could not afford these bras. Not that I am not still working my way up but fortunately, I can afford a pair every once in 2 months.

I am no longer sensitive about the size of my boobs but #someonetellben# that telling me he loves small boobs that he can cup with the palm of his hands was not very sensitive, given he is the man I struggle to look stunning for at all costs. Not sensitive at all. It was like Shakira in my life allover again.

Happy is Unpopular

I'm trying to figure out how to start this, greetings are good, enquiring about you is good, but 'hello ladies and gentlemen' does sound old and stale, right? right. So well, you must be well to be here so lets get the hell on.

Anyway, now that greetings are over and done with, I sincerely feel guilty for being away despite the fact that I'm always alone in here (sarcastic giggle). So anyway, I've been trying to figure out what the hell is wrong with me, why of all places I can miss the disqus world! Thats right! The disquss is more important than this house here, atleast it's not empty. But I figured out what is wrong, and while I wont give you anything important today, I will tell you what keeps me away from this blog. 2 things:
1. I'm single / I've been ditched  / I have ditched (smiles wryly to herself, some men can never be ditched, how now?) / there is another man in my life who is not this man
2. My relationship is NOT unhappy / my relationship is going well / I'm getting enough sex (or not, but I am getting good sex no matther how rare) / The sex is terrible because well, it is not by this man

The last options for each of these reasons is a good enough way of telling you that if this man is not the man in my life, then there is no ladybird, no blog, no.... simply nothing worth it except my other compulsory earthly duties. Thankfully though, since I started posting....whatever it is that I post, the man was, the man is and hopefully, the man will always be forever and ever till eternity or rather till the mortal part of us gets in the way. Somebody say Amen, that was a genuine prayer!

Anyhow, given the two situations described above herein, (hehe, good language girl), I'm in the situation described in number two, that is, I am happy. Yes dears, I am so happy, please don't take it away from me. As usual, its about my relationship because there is not much of my other life that is exciting enough for you creatures from another mother planet. So yes, Ben is there, Ben is so there, Ben still has the looks of a greek god, but now he has a bonus golden heart, Ben is still giving me great sex, occasional as it is, Ben is oh so great and yes, I admit, the thought of him just made me oh so horny! damn!. Do you think the obsession is back? I would rather not, that thingy makes me bitchy, it isn't healthy!

Anyway guys, I love Ben, Ladybird loves Ben, Ladybirds heart is molten (who cares if that's bad english?) and because of all this, she has nothing to write and not time to write it because, where will she get the time off from ogling the newly installed wall paper on her phone? Oh holy mother of all handsome men, thank you.

A Woman Reduced

Brethren, what does it imply when a woman is reduced? Well, to me it means a number of things which I am sure are not too far from the real meaning if at all. To me, a woman who has been reduced refers to one who has been stripped of all her femininity or simply, all that identifies her as a lass to whom the jungle rule of attraction applies. This to me is a woman whose has lost her confidence, her dignity, her grace, her radiance even if it’s only on the inside. If you are not a woman, you probably might find this strange but no matter of what caliber, every woman has undergone this phase at one point of her life. It could be when her friends in school distanced themselves from her for one reason or another, or when the man of her dreams cheated, or when she lost that beauty contest or even a brains contest and from then henceforth thought everyone else was more beautiful or could see through to her porridge like brain, it could be when her husband of some years, a man she had sacrificed to be with and admired despite his shortcomings decided she was no longer a worthy enough woman to be his wife… the list continues. Yes, been there myself, done that, fallen face down, reduced to the level of dust. But one thing I have found consistent in my life is my ability to stand up once again no matter how hard, to dust myself up, take a shower, apply some Vaseline, shine brighter than the sun and smile like I owned the world. It is definitely one of the hardest things to do, but really without a choice.

Today I am a sad woman, sad indeed. Sad because after all the failures, I seem not to learn. Bitter because after so much struggle, I have given leeway to God’s creation, made like me, to reduce me, to push me so low, I can smell the dust. I am a sad woman today because instead of growing, I have been reduced to a lesser woman compared to a year ago. Yes my dears, I have been beaten once, twice and the third time, I had to display my shameful face here with the hope that the degrading nature of it all will teach me a lesson or two.

Today a colleague of mine tried to apply her non-existence knowledge of psychology on me. Her theory was that I must have been mistreated as a child and the desire to have that pain continue is what makes me allow that person to hurt me. Of course, she couldn’t have been more wrong! And I am too caring to disappoint her from her ignorant reverie. I was brought up by my grandparents, at least most of my life I was. Not only were they capable, but they raised me with a  lot of love and adoration. It is no secret in that family that my lil cousin and I are my granny’s favourite. So hell no, no pain was inflicted on me and I have no desire to have pain inflicting males in my life. To be frank, I have tried severally to follow that trail of thought, you know, to link my current behavior to my upbringing and I only can tell you what I lacked and what I need. I was brought up partly by my grandparents and partly by my mom. I know for sure that my dad love(d/s) me to a fault. But thanks to the dictatorial system adopted by my granddad, I barely knew him. He was forbidden from visiting lest his feet be slashed, and coming from my grandpapa, be assured that was no mere threat. To this day, my dad has tried to mend that relationship but I can tell you, it is too damaged to be glued together using superglue. I’m unsure of the kind of intervention that would salvage that. My grandpa was also not the type of man who mingled with kids, to this day I cannot have a conversation of longer than two sentences with him. By now you can figure out what I missed. That’s right! A father figure is what I lacked. So yes, I find a similarity where I like men who are not just big, but men with authority. That is clearly what drew me to Ben. He had this authority and ability to look at me like a stupid child with no idea of how cruel this world is, despite the fact that I am a grown ass woman who has faced more cruelty of the world that she cares to remember. He of course did not understand this. So despite him making me weak at the knees, he messed badly. He was cruel, unforgiving and definitely one who is happiest when I am sad. Let me put it this way, while my imaginary manfather will be stern and full of authority, he will love me to bits. He will spank me hard when I miss the way, but then be the one to fetch the ice to place on the swelling and be the one to carry me to the hospital and be the one to spend sleepless nights with me if I am in pain. So yes, while I loved Ben to bits because he was a man of substance, he lacked a key ingredient which is love. He loved to see me in pain as opposed to peaceful, and would go ahead to inflict me with the said pain. Looking back now, I have never been more sure that this guy has never loved me for one second. Who loves and causes pain intentionally? Who loves and does not forgive? Who loves and blames the other for their mistakes? Maybe he also lacked something in his young life and is looking for it, but clearly what he lacked and what I lacked are not complementary. That said, I do not see any problem with wanting a man with authority in my life. It would be disturbing if I had psychic cravings for a man who would inflict pain on me.

On the current happenings, my lil cousin who has been with me for a long long time and offered me a lot of support is leaving the country. All I can wish her is a life with limitless opportunities. I wish her a life so broad, every time I think of her departure I imagine her life in form of a beam of light. Where the source is small but the space it illuminates keeps getting wider and wider. Blessings girl, I am so so happy for you, but your departure adds to my sadness like a stone attached to an already overweight luggage.

See you around dears

Happy Birthday to me

Two days ago was my birthday. Frankly speaking, so much has been going on in my life and I barely had any chance to celebrate. Turning  29 for me was a bittersweet experience. I am genuinely grateful for turning that much, I mean, in the words of any wise man, how many have not lived long enough to see that age? besides that, I am blessed and have hopes to continue being blessed in big ways. On the other end though, what cant I give to have that 9 transform miraculously to 4? the number 24 didn't just come from nowhere. When I celebrated my 24th birthday, it was my final semester in campus. I was pregnant with expectations of what to find out there, and I was so sure that my first car would be a KBH. hahaaa! Yahah, I'm laughing very sarcastically at myself but sarcasm or not, what would I not have given to be that naive and be so hopeful in life? I'm still hopeful by the way. I will give up when I turn 39, hehehe. 2nd thing, when I turned 24, I was 2 weeks pregnant and did not even know it! You would wonder why I would want to be pregnant; well, for a very simple reason really, it would be Bens! You didn't see that coming, did you? did you?... ah well, I'm working on being less predictable. But it's true, I love every bit of my baby, hair to toe nail, but if I had some sort of superpowers, the first thing I would change is his dad!

Anyway, despite all this, you would think I would get some uplifiting happy birthday messages. They did come, but mostly from my facebook friends, my lovely aunt and my two young cousins. Ben totally forgot about it, but why would I blame him? my own mother and my only two brothers forgot all about it. When I reminded my mom yesterday, she actually apologized by saying that she had totally forgotten I was born. Her exact words "Woi yaye! I'm so sorry sweetheart, I totally forgot you were born. Happy birthday yesterday'! Atleast that made me laugh, bitterly so. Needless to say, 2 days later, my so called brothers still don't remember I am a year older. Neither has my one and only sweetheart. Is this relationship so pathetic? but then that would make my sister brother relationship with my bros pathetic too. Who am I kidding, it is pathetic. I have bad relationship skills and I do not know how to create a presence or to influence. Which brings me to my next question, does lack of these qualities make me a deficient person? is being an introvert such a bad thing? Should I try to change this me and be more outgoing or..? Ok I will change this me, I have decided! And my specimen is:  sweet Ben, you will not know what hit you! You will love me without wanting to! hahaaa! Yahah! by now you know the sarcastic laugh, to myself.

What made my day though is 3 great special peopl who picked their phones and called (My cousins and aunt too are very special). The first one was a great man, he only can know himself. He has been a great friend in times of need and hapiness and he has been the easiest to talk to. Thank you man, you are precious. Second to call was a great friend of mine whose work has ensured she is stationed somewhere on the Kenya Uganda boarder for the last 3 years. She is a great friend who remembers me only on my birthday, probably because hers is only a week away. Then at night, my bitcheous best friend who is like me in so many ways (why the hell do I feel the need to change? I love this gal and she is so freaking like me!). Anyway, she did call, for two reasons. 1. She is my best friend and if she dared not call, she knows I will likely commit suicide! ha! 2. She gets intimidated when I turn a year older, it just reminds her how closely next she is, and how much better it would be if she accepted it early enough. Haha!

I really do wish I was turning 24.

Sometimes we gotta ask…

After being with someone for a long time, you realize that this person has something that you really love, or knows you so well to know what it is that makes you happiest or makes you saddest, or they give you something in a way that you’ve never been given before and is unlikely that you will ever be. But while this person has the capability to make you glow, they are also the reason for your saddest and lowest moments. They know where you hurt most and they hit you hard at that spot without apology. They know your weakest point and they shamelessly exploit it without the slightest twinge of guilt. Sometimes you gotta ask: Should there be a balance to this? Need you wipe out the glow you've put on someone’s face by doing the most hurting things to them? If you truly love someone, shouldn't the glow you put on them be there most of the time and the sadness be there only in unavoidable circumstances and not intentionally? Am I wrong to say that if you love me, then you need not tell me because I feel it? Need I tell you that if one keeps asking if you love them, it’s because they don’t feel like you do anymore? Do you know that if the feeling of love is slipping away, then it becomes hard for someone to remain their natural self around you, which in turn kills normal conversation between you? Instead they are afraid of saying or doing anything wrong to draw you further apart? Need I tell you how negatively this impacts on the quality of time you spend together?

Ladies and gentlemen, I apologize for being away for long without prior warning and at the same time, I beg to be allowed some time off. I have been away and need to be away because everything I feel like talking about is centered on my emotions, and if I decide to keep you updated on that, then the only way to do it is by posting huge teardrop on this page. Granted, I feel most special when seated next to him or across him. I get lost and forget all that’s around me when in his arms. I glow and have good times when I speak to him on phone. I wish time would stand still whenever we are making love. Question is, how often do I get to do this? How much do I have to beg before any of this happens? How many missed calls do I have to make before finally one of them gets picked up? How many times do I have to be stood up on dates before finally one of them materializes? That, ladies and gentlemen, is my teardrop. I beg to be excused.

PS: I have a question I need to pose to the gentlemen who come about this page. When you date a lady, and say as you are most tempted to see everything beautiful, you see this other lady who makes you drop off lady number 1 like hot iron. A week later, you realize you have made a major mistake and want  lady number 1 back, but she’s too fine to allow your greedy ass back in her life. 2 years down the line and you are still pursuing the same lady! Can someone please explain to me the psychology behind that? We’ve already established that you do have an eye for female beauty, and 2 years you are still bothering the same girl? Someone kindly explain. When it comes to ladies, I can tell you for sure, we won’t hang around quarter that much unless of course we are suffering from crazy obsession. The only guy I followed for sometime was a certain ex, not because I was obsessed with his black ass, but because I felt so guilty, having dated him for 5 years and finally could not settle with him. So I kept following him up and apologizing. After a number of unanswered texts, I decided that I had punished myself enough for the wrong I had done, and that was it. So tell me guys, what is the fuel that drives you to such craziness?