Yesterday I was talking to my man, and I happened to offer my condolences for a close bereavement, and he acted so surprised that I had done that. Apparently, he is not used to me caring!
Coincidentally, this came the same day I was thinking about the way people look at me as some strong and unforgiving woman. On Monday on my way to work, I was arrested for overlapping. I had given a certain youngish boy from our work a lift. What happened next surprised even me (much later that is). All of a sudden, I couldn't stand his presence! I tried pursuading him on our way to the police station, very gently, that he should proceed to work, which is a walking distance from the said police station, and leave me to handle that, but he won't go. His insisting really got into my nerves so bad, needless to say, he left but he's barely spoken to me since then, I did ask a bit too strongly that he leave immediately. After I calmed down, I kinda felt guilty. I tried to understand why I wanted him away so strongly, and I realized I just couldn't stand him seeing me in a weak state! In a state where I was required to somehow listen, be gentle and be the one to give way even though I was strongly convinced I was not on the wrong. Or maybe, I didn't want him to see an irritated me, it's not a good sight.
Does that make me strong and unforgiving? On the outside maybe, I can be strangely unforgiving, true. Especially when it means me being portrayed as weak. But I do not think I am any of this, infact, I am one gentle soul inside of me.
Back to my man for instance, do I never care? I would say that is untrue, I trully and genuinely care. Just because I lack soft words to express myself does not mean I do not care. Back when we were just starting to date, I would wonder where he is, is he safe? I would call, he would not pick up, so I would sleep a worried person, the next day, he would be just okay. I guess I got used to him being okay all the time! The other day when we went to Nakuru, and he was riding while the rest of us were driving, I frankly could not keep it off my mind how dangerous riding is, coupled now with long distance on a road full of black spots and long trailers! So did I call him to check if he arrived well? I did! He just did not pick my call up! Now, this is not the only example I have. At times, this man opens up to me (rare though). Sometime last year, he used to have a photo of his beautiful daughter taken with her grandma in his car. Do you know what made him hide that photo? me! One day I looked at that photo and he just snatched it from me! My boyfriend just won't allow himself to be weak around me, and every time I show some concern, he thwarts it. How can I show concern when its not appreciated? or when it is looked at like I am acting so as to trap him into marriage?
At one point last year, he said that if I wanted to spend some time with him, I should request. Do I do that? a few times, and rarely has any ever been honoured. I do not think if it were you, you would keep asking, would you? No need to be unnecessarily disappointed when you could easily avoid it with a little ignorance.
In October last year my very close uncle passed away, it was so painful. All I can say is that, I doubt that he even got to know about it, and if he did, he never mentioned it! I go through a lot in my life, I go through very bad periods in my life, where a soft word or a few minutes spent with the man I love would make a difference, but he never ever gets to know about it. Some few weeks ago, I got to know about some really serious issues this guy was going through. For quite some time now, he has been going through some personal, very delicate and sensitive issues. I got to know all about it last month. I have thought about that so much, and prayed about it, but frankly speaking, I haven't offered the support needed of a girlfriend. So is it that I don't care? I do, a lot. There is just no platform to air it! In this relationship, there is no space for weakness, so I just don't. It goes without saying, that my being weak is not appreciated, not is it cared for (when do you get to be weak when you see a person once in a month? at that point all you want is to enjoy the company you are likely to get again after one month!).
After being in this relationship for a very long time, I think this has just transmitted into every aspect of my life. Like today, my boyfriend travelled with a 'light' girl upcountry, because I am too 'heavy'. Of course I care about his well being, but if I called do you think he would pick up? I don't think so, I tried last weekend, no need to have a hurtful repeat performance. Usually, I would just let him go, pray he stays safe and waits for him to get back, that is when I talk to him, and it will have nothing to do with the trip. More of how are you doing? good. How was the trip? good. Okay, thats good. Do you frankly think I have nothing else to say to this guy? there is just nothing that is good enough to tell him. The bar he has set is too high for even me, his girlfriend.
At times I wonder if something happened to me, God forbid, would he even talk infront of people and say I was his girlfriend? would he even talk to my family, tell them that I was his faithful girlfriend for 2 years? Sure, I know he would feel loss, because he is gentle inside. But I doubt he would lay claim to me having being his girlfriend. If it happened the other way, would I lay claim? I doubt. I would be totally scared. I guess its called learning from the best.
I hate this post.
Am I happy in this relationship? Only when he is around me, be it having a drink, having a stupid conversation... only and only when he is around me. My life is okay, I got a lot to thank God for, but in all frankness, relationship wise, I am as happy as long as I am talking to this guy or I am with this guy, which is say about 1 or 2 hours every week, and maybe 1 or 2 nights in a month.
With this post, I risk being ditched. I guess I am open to anything now.
Good day pals.
No comments:
Post a Comment