I remember making a vow, that this breakup will not make me cry, now matter what. Well, today morning I cried some, after holding on to that vow for so long, okay, so I cried a wee 2 more times. Fine, I cried. All in all, the crying was not much as would have been anticipated when you've been dumped by a man who you've adored, almost worshiped for 2 years. Something I have experienced so far that was unique for this break up was anger. Damn it, I was angry! Yaani I was so angry, everyone in the office noticed. A day later I had to pinch our accountant for giving me money without even looking at me or even asking questions, like dude! I am not always angry, and once in a while it is healthy.
What I have noticed though is that breakup is a sorrowful experience, more so if you are the type that stays alone for long moments. The thoughts that cross your mind too are a bit disturbing, I wont be surprised why some people turn suicidal. I mean, if you do follow your thinking, you'll also stand in the middle of a busy road. For some reason, rarely will your thoughts be about the person getting another mama and you getting another dude, or him dating your friend (Though disturbingly, that thought did cross my mind). Its always about how it would have been, how I would have been the mother of his 7 year old daughter (and only rosy images would cross your mind here), how things would change and he would not want to live life without you, how he would introduce you to his family, how you would be that much needed back bone to his dreams, how he would be the one to always take your car to the garage and pick you if you are stuck...
For some reason, these thoughts are most unhealthy. Because now, you cannot imagine ever being with another man, you cannot imagine being without him, and thats where desperation kicks in and you want to do something drastic to bring him back. e.g. you wish you would fall sick so he would feel guilty... at times, you even wish he would be in a situation where he desperately needs you, then he can realize how much he needs you... DESPERATION! such a stinky thing
All in all, I think this sorrow is only necessary for your healing. At some point in my sorrow, I do sit and ask myself if maybe this was infact God's grace on your path. Like now, after a tearful morning, I visit ladybird and I notice that like 4 of my previous posts were complainant in nature. Then I remember the cause of the breakup, it's because I made noise for him after he requested, for the second time, that he goes on a trip with my friend, whose eyes turn into dancing stars whenever she sees him. Maybe, just maybe...
All in all, sorrow cannot be avoided. I would be in the relationship, thinking that he is on a barbecue making trip with some random chik, and my soul would sink, and bitterness would crowd, and I would still shed tears. Again, I can keep saying no to trips with my friend, but when he is soo keen to go with her (why the constant asking?) and she too keen to agree (how hard is it to discourage your friends bf to talk to you, especially when it clearly is an issue with your friend?)
For sure, sorrow is a sad thing, but whether you hide in a relationship, or you agree to the happenings, sorrow will come.
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