Tuesday 28 October 2014

Life Review

Its 3:49 am, and for the last 46 or so minutes, my life has been weird.

I woke up and went to the bathroom, not weird or strange at all, people do it all the time. All the same, I noted that I am not one of those people, I simply do not wake up at night for a call of nature, unless I'm having a runny stomach which I cannot remember happening either.

Anyway, after I visited the bathroom, I checked my watch (Or rather my cellphone which is usually under my pillow), and it was 3:03 am! I wanted to get my sleep back of course, but it wasn't happening. Instead, I found myself thinking of other things. It started by realizing that it was 3:00 am, the hour of the devil (Don't ask where I got that from, I really do not know, but I have always known it to be called so). So my mind went to, since the work of the devil is to steal, kill and destroy, does it mean that he/she does it at that hour? but then that would mean that everyone dies at that hour, which is a lie. I mean, just the other day, we lost bro. John Kozcka, founder, mentor and father to the ladies of Materi girls, it happened at 8:00 pm!

Soon, those thoughts were replaced by more disturbing thoughts, and before I share that with you, it is often said that when people pass on, they predicted their death. People who are left back on Earth will always find something that will imply that someone predicted their own death! I declare, before I proceed with this post, that I not only do not predict my own death, but also that I do not want it, I am not ready, not everything in this life is rosy, but for sure, the significant bit of it is wonderful, worthy living for and worthy praising my Messiah for! Someone shout Amen.

See the way people say 'kumbe chips ni viazi'? stupid at it seems, tonight it occured to me that infact, all that has to happen for anyone to die is for their heart to stop functioning. See, the same way you get a muscle pull on your foot and your foot gets paralyzed? something of the sort, only it happens permanently. So simple, so easy, right? I mean your heart just needs to stop and you are off the face of this earth! So you wonder, what is it that keeps it from not doing that, year after year? how many muscle pulls have you had in your life time? I'm guessing ranges from few to many depending on your knack for exercise.. anyway, getting off the point. My point is, it is so so very easy to die! and while us the young folks take life for granted because we do not expect to die ( who does?) and while we are not likely to just sleep and get off our (tired) bodies like some old folks do, we still see it happen to very many of us. So you are reading this because of one simple reason, Grace my friend, you are a recipient of God's amazing grace.

I have thought of death before, mostly, the word 'death' flashes across my brain and I shudder, thats it. An instance is when Ben and I were about to be turned into minced meat by an oncoming trailer. At that point I was just afraid, not of death, but of that trailer and what it was about to do to us (At that time, that did not come out as death, more of being minced up! its ok, I don't expect  you to understand how my brain works). Up until Ben mentioned that; had that happened, he would be lying in a mortuary with his tongue out while I would be lying in a coma in some ICU. Maybe he does think about death (does he really?). Anyway, at that point, I thought about death, for a millisecond or so, shuddered at the thought (as usual) and got that whole topic out of the way.

So this hour, I thought about death in detail. I realized how close we always are to it, plowing the streets of Nairobi like it was our birth right, driving on our highways like we were born doing so... for real, I got scared. I started to think of my death, it was so vivid. I could see my heart stopping, my body jerking in a losing battle to keep my heart functioning, my mouth foaming, ... the things that came in my mind were heartbreaking. For sure, the devil came to destroy my peace this night. It came to me that infact that could happen anytime, I have never wished for daylight so much in my life. I was practically counting my fingers for the hours left to light, simply so I can write down my wishes if I was to die. And I will, even if it will be on a piece of paper pulled out from baby's exercise book, but I have to, and I will review those wishes after every 6 months. I pray that God grants me long life to be able to do countless reviews to this.

You might wonder why I wanted to do a wish list. I thought of the loss that would be incurred would I die. Besides the pain of loss my family and friends would suffer, I realized that nothing in their lives would, I was not directly linked to any of their lives, not in any way. I am not married, nor am I in any worthy relationship where I can say my spouse would suffer. But infact it occured to me that my life was useful and directly linked to one major cause, my honey, the love of my life, my one and only son, the one person who made me fear and dread my death. What would happen of that child? where would he live? would they treat him as well as I would desire? where would he go to school? Who would toil and go up and down on his behalf? I pray to you God for long life. I thought about my family, my mom, I would not wish for this boy to go upcountry, instead, I would wish for him to attend the best schools ever in the city. Who would be responsible? my mom? my bro who's already overburdened with his 3 sons and currently without a stable job? would I disrupt my small bro's young life with responsibilities of a 5 year old? And I decided that I would want him to remain with my aunt who lives in Athi river, temporarily, but my mom would be solely the heir of my son. In me, I realized I trust my aunt at Athi river to shower my son with lots of love, take him to the best schools and manage the little I would have left with care.

I thought about what I own in this world, I will detail my investments, the whereabouts of my money, little as it is, those who owe me (hopefully they would pay). My car is valued for 600k. I would instruct that they sell it asap before it loses more value, at 500k and invest that money in government bonds. At first, I thought I would put Ben's contacts there, for him I trust would know best how to dispose that car for that amount, but then it occured to me that I was holding on to the last hopeless remnants of what in my mind, I have made to be a beautiful life with a man I love deeply. I thought that was going too far, maybe I will just stick to my familly. I have a cousin by the name of Roby, he knows a great deal about cars. He would assist with that.

I thought about my afterlife, was I ready for it? as part of my being ready, I realized I needed to mend the crappy ends of my Earthly life. I realized that indeed I didn't have many issues, not with my work, or my family, or my friends except one who's made me feel very betrayed lately. I realized that the bulk of my crap right now lied in my relationships. It occurred to me that were something to happen to me, I would not be said to have been in any worthy relationship. A few days ago, I said yes to a guy I genuinely like too much and who's been after me for long, but I am not ready to date or to consume that yes, not yet anyway. I think I need to be genuine and set that straight with him. My mind has been on Ben, all the time, I realized I need to work on that. Hope in that has diminished, the candle of that has burned out, later, he will be a handsome guy  I used to know and love a great deal. In that case, I need to steer clear of thoughts and feelings for him when planning my life, as I wait for the thoughts and feelings to fade off too. Yeah, I need to mend that bit of my life, it is my trouble point at the moment.



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