So Tired!

Have u ever been in a situation where you want so much to move on but no opportunity presents itself? Well, I'm in such a situation. I feel yoked and burdened by this relationship. Not always I must admit but it happens so damn frequently. I'm sure that all I need is one hot guy, not even the one meant for me, but one hot enaf to distract my thoughts and emotions. Once I take that step, I am sure to never look back. Problem is since this one happened, all others seem to have vanished. Either we do not walk the same paths or I have lost sight for anyone else. Whichever it is, I admit I need help, I'm begging for help to get past this one. I'm so tired of these deeply emotional dissapointments, so tired I wish I can kill my emotional nerve...someone please

Ben, oh Ben

As I write this, I’m watching two monkeys, likely male and female doing only what I can call a dutiful but most tantalizing, romantic ritual behind the office building. If I knew working from outside would always accord me such glorious moments, thoughts and sights, I would come out here more often. Let me describe this. There are 3 monkeys, 2  grown and a kid monkey. One of the grown monkeys came and took a seat just near my feet, the other one rushed somewhere and came back with the said kid monkey. On arrival, they two new entrants started chasing a cat around, the smaller one continuing with the chase as the bigger one came to sit next to his partner near my feet. I think the bigger one kinda got bored, because he started to move away. The she immediately jumped up and moved out of the way, after which, when he passed, she slowly but softly touched him from behind. The touch was effective, he stood still, and then she started the said ritual. She was I think searching for tududus, starting with the anal area, carefully and softly parting his fur and slowly biting whatever tududus she found away. She slowly headed to the abdomen, at which he sat and allowed her to, lifting each arm as required when she got to that area. She did his back, just as meticulously as other areas, then he got into an upright position and she did his feet, then went back to where she started, the anal area. I have never seen such soft, tender care before. I could not help the fantasies, with the one man I have fantasized with for the last 8 months. I thought of him and my love flowed to him (wherever you are Ben, love is flowing).  I keep wondering, if I had an opportunity, would I be capable of dispensing such tender love? Would he still at my touch the way that this he monkey did? Would he let me tenderly care for him, giving me way whenever I needed to? Ben, my dear Ben, I don’t know what is in store for us, if anything at all, but just know that there is nothing I wish more than to love you so right now. Meanwhile, I can’t have enough of you in my fantasies, keep there and stay safe for me love. Much love.

My two cent on Shebesh

So Rachel Shebesh is nursing a broken (or is it twisted?) arm, thanks to Nairobi Senator, aka Mike Sonko. This is the fourth time the lady has faced physical harassment from a male politician, worse, this has resulted in an injury. I have never been a politics person, but this isn't politics, it is a show of male chauvinism and she has become the waste basket. I am annoyed to no end and I say it’s time for this crap to stop. Not because I care so much for Shebesh aka manzi wa nai, but I feel that this is a personal attack to my womanhood. So I say this, I hate the inflictors of this shameful bodily harm, but I hate the woman who allows it more, she is a shame to womenfolk. What the hell do you think happens when you allow people to treat you like trash? She should sue them damnit! All the whole lot of crappy selfish motherfuckers with some ruined and bruised egos that need to be fixed by hitting a woman who is not even their relative. I bet they all have tiny specks of dangling male genitalia which they should even be ashamed to call dicks! Crappy stupid motherfucking idiots. And this to Shebesh, the next time you let an idiot treat you like dust bin, kindly make sure I don’t get to hear of it because I will slap you too. At least when the rest of us let a man treat us badly, it is because he has cargo to kill for and we want some bit of that, no matter what! Not some random idiot with stolen money who you have never seen naked! And to Shebesh’s husband, you are as useless as they come, and now your wife is paying for it by being treated as a music drum by useless semi literate, backward, shallow minded male politicians. Makubaff!

Ladies, let us ask

Ben is in my life... again! That was a disclaimer by the way, for all those who do not like Ben stories or those who think I am another stupid crazy cow. But today it is not about Ben, today it is about me and my inability to talk, to voice what is in my head. Let me tell you how bad this weakness is, this guy is in my life and I do not know what on Earth to call him; boyfriend, exboyfriend, future husband, hot man of my fantasies, man stuck in my head, just another hot dude??? see what I mean?!

This will not last long though, simply because I have made a resolve to ask. I will ask for what he envisions for us, is there an us in the first place? does he harbour any visions of an 'us' 5 years to come? who is second to me in this line who also calls him and her an 'us'? or who am I second to? what is the chance for our 'us' as compared to their 'us'? how can he rate his willingness to work and sacrifice for this 'us' to remain 'us' for good? is he willing to in the first place? that is a qualitative guide by the way.

I will tell you why I need these questions answered. I believe in happiness as a God given human right. You deserve to be with the one you love and one who loves you back, nothing short. So this is what I am getting, my right; and since I am blind to speech through action, or what is called 'action speaks louder than words" I will ask damnit! let us decide on how to do this together, right? let us decide if we both want each other, do it on a clean slate, ama? Once again (not sure its a once again), I can confirm to you that having feelings for someone is an art you learn, and if having these feelings naturally will not be reciprocated, then its only fair that one is informed early enough so as to allocate time to learn that art for someone else, I have a feeling it takes some time. I am intentionally generalizing here for the sake of all other ladies, a wish for myself is that I won't have to do the learning, but the process will come naturally because I am with one I loved naturally.

Let me get something right, I am not complaining about Ben. How can I? he has been at his best lately, he is the apple of my eye, and by apple, I mean that red, heart shaped image throbbing with love that is filling my vision space. I still love him just like before. And now I feel like I am doing an advertisement. So I will stop by telling you that no, I got not issues with Ben, I was just displaying my weaknesses and showing you my remedy or approach process to solving them. I feel like pulling one of those song of songs 'you are my lily in the midst of thorns' poems for Ben and putting them somewhere for him. Anyone who can advice on the ideal place and time?

Thank you my lovelies.

It is never too late for Him, be encouraged

Before I start feeding you the tales of me and mine, let me pay my condolences to the victims of that terrorist attack at Westgate. Yesterday I shed tears after watching the CCTV clip from Nakumatt Westgate, it was on TV but the fear that I felt, I could literally taste it. That was a horrifying experience. Today in the morning, I shed some more tears. As many of you (do not) know, Westgate is enroute my (only) way to town, so after holing up the whole weekend, I had to get out today and go to work. When we passed by Westgate, it was very quiet, in an eerie way. I could see no choppers as reported by journalists and although 5 minutes later they reported to have heard gunshots 5 minutes earlier, I did not hear them. But I looked at that building, and imagined the souls still being held hostage there 72 hours since this ordeal began, I imagined the children who have gone 3 days without food or water or the sight of their parents and if so, maybe in a similar state or dead, the number of dead bodies in that beautiful mall that have yet to be recovered 3 days later, I thought of this beautiful mall of ours where I have been passing most days for the past almost 2 years, sometimes making an occasional stopover. at All I can say is that I am deeply saddened that such a thing even has to happen. May God watch upon us with His Just eyes, may His Grace rest upon us because it is sufficient, His Love hover over us because it is everlasting and His Will be upon us because it is healing. When God creates us, He envisions a great and wonderful life ahead of us. I pray that His initial will for us be restored, do not let the evil destroy us.

People are already in pain, suffering great loss. In that state, I cannot sit and ask God to not make the pain happen, as it has already happened. But I request God to make His mighty presence be felt among the people affected and their loved ones. I ask God to reverse time, and I believe that my Almighty God is on this situation. All is not lost my brothers and sisters, it is never too late with our God. Please read these verses, continue praying and crying unto God, and He will come through to us all in a mighty and miraculous way.

The hand of the Lord was on me, and he brought me out by the Spirit of the Lord and set me in the middle of a valley; it was full of bones. ² He led me back and forth among them, and I saw a great many bones on the floor of the valley, bones that were very dry. ³ He asked me, “Son of man, can these bones live?”
I said, “Sovereign Lord, you alone know.”
⁴ Then he said to me, “Prophesy to these bones and say to them, ‘Dry bones, hear the word of the Lord! ⁵ This is what the Sovereign Lord says to these bones: I will make breath^[a] enter you, and you will come to life. ⁶ I will attach tendons to you and make flesh come upon you and cover you with skin; I will put breath in you, and you will come to life. Then you will know that I am the Lord.’”
⁷ So I prophesied as I was commanded. And as I was prophesying, there was a noise, a rattling sound, and the bones came together, bone to bone. ⁸ I looked, and tendons and flesh appeared on them and skin covered them, but there was no breath in them.
⁹ Then he said to me, “Prophesy to the breath; prophesy, son of man, and say to it, ‘This is what the Sovereign Lord says: Come, breath, from the four winds and breathe into these slain, that they may live.’” ¹⁰ So I prophesied as he commanded me, and breath entered them; they came to life and stood up on their feet—a vast army.
¹¹ Then he said to me: “Son of man, these bones are the people of Israel. They say, ‘Our bones are dried up and our hope is gone; we are cut off.’ ¹² Therefore prophesy and say to them: ‘This is what the Sovereign Lord says: My people, I am going to open your graves and bring you up from them; I will bring you back to the land of Israel. ¹³ Then you, my people, will know that I am the Lord, when I open your graves and bring you up from them. ¹⁴ I will put my Spirit in you and you will live, and I will settle you in your own land. Then you will know that I the Lord have spoken, and I have done it, declares the Lord.’”

I almost settled

Five days ago on Thursday 12^th, I wrote up something for the house, but did not get a chance to put it up. In the following 2 days, something happened, and then another, and now, I am a hundred percent sure that I do not share the same sentiments. All the same, given that the feelings of that day were documented, and the fact that there has been little to no presence around here lately, I will still put this up for you my lovelies to read more about this lady’s life. Here we go.

I am in a hurricane situation, only this time it involves emotions or lack of them. Ladies and gentlemen, I hope you can send a line or two on my behalf that I make a wise decision, because if I don’t this time round, I will never trust me with any other decisions. Not that there is much of that trust left anyway. 

Remember I told you that I met someone? Well, turns out that he is no time waster. He is sure he has found whatever it is he has been looking for in this lady of the birds. Problem is, I am the one person who is into looks, and while my 2 friends who have met him think he is a looker, I do not share the same sentiments. He has a superb body, granted, but I need some more time to picture his face on a baby, or to imagine that face while having an orgasm! There, I said it! Don’t get me wrong, he is very handsome, quite handsome anyway. In fact, the problem is all mine, I have a weakness for faces that can be directly transferred to a baby and still look in place. Like that Wyane Wade dude. Man, isn’t that the perfect creature. Besides, this new guy in my life is very respectful and thoughtful. And after that monologue, I think I just convinced myself to say yes, because that’s what this dilemma is all about. The guy is set to propose today in the evening, that I be his soul mate.

See the problem I have, especially if the guy does not make my insides turn is, I have a phobia for future regrets. What if finally I cant just gather up enough courage to sleep with this guy? Not that I need to now, given that I’m not easy to get and all that what not crap, but I figure in marriage, there is nothing much one can do about it, right? Now I know why married women have headaches. Given my dating life before and the people  / person I  have engaged with (You know that type you see - make that think about - and your juices start flowing, and not kidogo juices for that matter), I have never understood why one would have to take up that headache line. Now not only do I understand, it seems I might borrow it sometimes if I decide to go this way.

Now that is told, have I told you about a hot dude in the office? And these days I am positively convinced that actually I convince myself that the men I find hot are hot. To explain that sentence with an example, this hot dude at work was one of the first people I met in the company. I actually talked to him on the interview day and I didn’t notice this heat. A week after I joined, I still had not seen much about it. Now it’s a month plus and I think he is one of the hottest creatures walking on lady Earth. overnight transformations on my quality of vision? I don't think so, I just think my mind sometimes can use mycreativity in the wrong ways.

I also need to talk to you about this name Gabriella, and why I am calling my (future) baby girl that.

Ok guys, take care.

Hello

Hi there,

Sorry for being away for such a long time, just too much work. So I thought to wave and tell you a bit about my time away. A couple of things happened.

I lost 2 kgs then added 4 kgs
My business did not even kick off. apparently I underestimated the monetary value of the requirements
I got a job
I met someone, then I met many more
I've still not had a lay, so high and dry. What is happening?!

So how was yours?