Wasted day

Have you ever stayed in one place doing absolutely nothing for a full day? Well, that’s me today. Let me explain why.

Baby went on a school trip today. I know, and agree that’s a good thing, but my nerves are scattered. That baby never goes anywhere without me, and if he does, I only entrust him to a person who I know will look after baby as their sole center of focus. To put it simply, I look for that person who is always smitten with baby like I am, and who does nothing else that spoil him rotten and get worried sick about his having a running nose, now that one I can trust! Problem is, there are not many of those, and especially in a bus full of tiny tots and 3 teachers going to heaven knows where! That’s right folks, I have no idea where the quorum is headed to! I tried extracting that info from the teacher some weeks ago, but she ducked my question with they have not yet finalized on the logistics as yet. Today in the morning, I asked the same question, and she used all manner of ways to avoid the question, I let it slide for 2 reasons, one, because I knew and understood that their failing to give us the info is because they are scared we will complain that the money we were contributing was a tad too much, which frankly is not true (the complaining bit, but the money bit I suspect is), and that act is plain insensitive! That info is crucial to me as a parent, and that small walking tot is the only proof that my ovaries are actually active, and my products are admirable! Second reason why I didn’t pursue the topic was because, if I had gone on, I would have raised my voice, dangerously. I was nervous damnit! So nervous I almost didn’t let him go for the trip. What with all the stuff happening on our roads today? But worse is because I read two stories in the Daily Nation yesternight, one about a girl named Diana who survived the Msongari school accident by miracle, and the 2^nd about two boys talking about their newly found drive to do well in school after the Kisii school bus accident! You guessed right, I barely slept, thinking about the whole crap. But the devil is a liar, shindwe!

That’s not the only reason I am stuck at one place the whole time. My boyfriend (is he still?) was into taking me out for lunch, which he cancelled to Friday (I think).  So next in line, I slotted my friend who has been into I visit him for so long, but I have been putting it aside because the last time I went, which was a long time ago, he only had rum in his house for a drink, and he didn’t think trying to get ‘friendly’ was any issue. Anyway, he has been very good to me lately, by very good I mean really in touch with my life and taking actions which are seriously working for me, so I felt I owed him one, I would just have to find a way of gently letting down his ‘too friendly’ gestures. Problem here is, yesterday I went shopping! Yes, you got that right. I haven’t had much money in my account but I knew my salo was in and the side jobs I had been engaging in were supposed to be paid about today. So I went to the atm and chucked some not so much amount of money. After spotting too many things which piqued my interest, I kept going back to the atm, once and again, until I had what I wanted.  So here I am, getting ready to go see my friend and somehow engage myself and my thoughts to stop thinking about the school trip, then on reacting to a 6^th sense, I check, using my phone, the amount of money in my account. Believe it or not guys, I had KES 95 remaining! Yes I am serious, less that 1 sok!  I immediately fished out my laptop and modem and went straight to check on my payslip. The payslip was there alright, but instead of showing my account details, it was written cheque, everywhere. Of course I was raving mad when I called up the salary processing idiots at scan group. They informed me, and not too kindly either, that I had not completed clearing from the damn company. That is when I remembered that while clearing, I informed them, a bit too arrogantly, that I was still an employee until end month and was therefore still entitled to the medical benefits, and therefore, I would not be surrendering my card lest I get sick before end of month!

Today I have some work actually, and in no mood to do it until my baby shows up at the door, I can’t move around because, you guessed right. I used everything I withdrew yesterday, and about the other job, I still haven’t seen the money and I don’t want to pressure that guy lest he thinks I am a desperate one, which in actual sense, I am right now! Aaaahhhh! Let me text him a gentle reminder, because anyway, I need some means to drop the damn medical card off tomorrow!

We just turned 4!

Today there was what I would like to call, the unraveling of lies, ladies and gentlemen, do not lie and not inform the others of your lies, or do not skip people who you and your friends know together from a party list, and not inform your friends about it, never goes down well.

My baby is 4! Yes, that’s right, I just took a complete u turn on what I was talking about, but fret  not, all these informations, you are going to get my dearies. So today baby hopped and jumped into number 4, boy, am I not excited! You would think there is something physical to show for it, for instance, he has an extra inch of height that he didn’t have yesterday! Anyway, for him, it was another unique day because mom brought packets of sweets, biscuits and a cake to school and the kids got to sing happy birthday. Well for me, it was a whole different sort of excitement. I took an hour off and went far off back with my thoughts. I remembered the fateful cold day 4 years ago, the way I had been in pain for the past 48 hours, had not slept a wink, had not even lied down, my feet were frozen from the cold and were numb from all the standing and carrying the extra many kgs of weight. I remember the searing pain I felt that day, feeling someone pick a pair of scissors and cut you up, and you are too much into pain, all you feel for being cut is a slight sting, you cannot compare the two pains, take it from me. Then I remember the sudden relief when the baby was finally free, the nap I took almost immediately, the feeling of breast feeding for the first time, the way I would not sleep at all for nights to come for fear that someone would come and take my baby. I remembered the many wonderful moments we had together those first months, taking care of this wonderful creation. I remember the setbacks that we went through, and I say a prayer of thanksgiving because truth be told, we have a reason to smile and thank God. I remembered baby’s first birthday and why it was so unique, the presence of my cousin who has always played the role of siz, the way baby attacked that cake with a knife, you would think he knew what he was doing. I remember babys second birthday, we didn’t make a cake, instead we took a break from all the noise and bustle of the estate and went for a day out. Baby’s third birthday was not the best, baby was away and mom could not travel to see him, she sent some stuff his way, but no photos were taken. Baby’s fourth birthday will be celebrated on Sunday, welcome you all.

I look beside me and watch his peaceful expression as he sleeps. It feels like he has been here forever!  Maybe it is because I started living the day he came to my life. Ladies and gentlemen, join me in wishing my baby a happy birthday, and whenever you are saying a prayer, say a thank you on my behalf.

Missed me? I wish someone can just shout aye! you guys do know that if you use a fake name, fake address and leave a comment, it still makes an undercover, because I can tell you've been snooping anyway. Do snoop though, very welcome.

Post Script: We did celebrate baby's birthday on Sunday. I would have posted a pic here but then, that would beat the whole undercover aspect, right? And believe it or not, I would like to be able to deny ownership of this page if ever required

Love exists

Once upon a tie, Mswaki wrote this down. He has been pestering me to publish something of his, even after giving the one major excuse that I barely have an audience here and his efforts might go unnoticed. Anyway, he armtwisted me and here we go:
Love is feeling something special for someone. You can't develop love for someone you do not know or for someone you have never met. Love is finding someone special from the masses, someone to comfort you when you are hard hit, someone who believes in you, someone who sees the potential in you, someone who shares the visions other people think are stupid, someone's whose thinking, though different from yours, tends to find a balance point, someone who understands your fears and tries to calm them, someone who sees your sensitive areas and respects them, someone who regards you special to them just like you regard them special to you. You fall in love with that someone because it is hard to find someone who conforms to those rules, given as the way, each one of us is unique. That is why, even if it is reproducing, you don't reproduce with every woman out there, that is why you will leave a woman with your child and marry another one who has nothing to call yours. Love exists, I might not have found any, yet......I'm just saying, smile and the heavens might smile back and give you that someone special

The Egyptian...

A month ago, I met an Egyptian in a ma3. Please note that, a ma3. He sat next to me, he was going to spring valley. He did mention that his house neighbours the American Embassy… yes, lots of more crap. I had lost my phone just the previous day, so he wrote his number on a piece of paper and I promised to look him up, that is after spending the whole journey singing of how pretty I was and how much he would like to be given a chance to spoil me, really spoil me. (he must have said that like 13 times, you know I hate the number 13). Now, 2 things. First the meeting point. I don’t trust some people if I meet them in a Ma3, I mean if he was perfectly black and Luo or Luhya or any of the other kadhalika tribes of Kenya, hakungekuwa na wass. Lakini!... u stay there and continue labeling me a tribalist, mimi nina more important things to think about. 2^nd, I just don’t trust Egyptians,Lybians, Nigerians and …waitforit!.. Indians! I always imagine that they have taken too much chilli and their breath must surely stink of all those spices!

Anyway, ndio ujue nimeboeka, I am actually toying with the idea of calling that number! Been seriously toying with that idea for the last 2 days. Someone come and save me before its too late!

Post Script:
So I listened to some ill advice and used the number. Now we are so into each other we have even started planning our wedding! I'm sure that is what you would have expected to hear, right? well, very disturbing news ladies and gentlemen, my fears have been confirmed, we have a fake, con Egyptian in Kenya living in Spring Valley. (I have a feeling he is a servant such as a chef or something. Are Egyptians good cooks?). So how do I know this? we spoke on phone, and when we were done, there was a rather weird exchange of texts. Less than a minute after I placed my handset down, the texts started:

Conan: Can I come over to your house tomorrow?
Ladybird: Tomorrow will not be such a good day, I have appointments in town the whole day.
Conan: But you are my neighbour! I can please come tomorrow, everyday I thought I will see you, then my heart melted down.
(I swear, I am also struggling to understand that.)
Ladybird: As I told you, I cannot have you over tomorrow because I will be out most of the day. An idea here though, how about I pass by your place since it's right on my way?
Conan: mmmmhhhhh,I see. can I come in the morning? what time will you be leaving?
Ladybird: I am supposed to be in town by 10 am, it would be much easier to pass by yours as you are right on my way.
Conan: Till what time will you be in town?
Ladybird: Early evening, around 5 pm.
Conan: How is the baby?
(To clarify this, I was with my son on the day of the meeting.)
Ladybird: He's well.
Conan: I wanna see him KESHOO.
(No, the text was not in caps, did you read the piece I had on Chinedu? we deduced that he was so fake simply because he is a Nigerian who can speak fluent Swa! Now you see? I know, kesho is a simple word which anyone who has been in Nairobi for sometime could have picked up, but I am  not giving a space for explanations here, we are here to catch a thief, any little evidence is important!)
Ladybrd: That will not be possible as I will not be taking him with me.
Conan: Ok, Sunday I can come over to see him then.

Okay, tell me you guys are not worried for my safety right now! I just had to stop right there. Now this is what happens, I am going to look for the stupid 'clueless about dating' idiots who encouraged me to text and smack their asses! Kubaff! Going to get my sleep.

Wanna know where I live?

I realize that most of you have no idea of where I live, and frankly, I’m not so keen to spell it out to you blatantly. Something happened today though which I feel will give you a sense of where I live, and so here comes the most info you will ever get about my ‘home’.

So, today in the morning, I desperately needed airtime  worth KES 1000. As a normal human behavior, I started with the shop nearest to my house. He only had in stock airtime worth KES 20. That’s how my trip around the shopping centre started, seriously! I did a 360⁰ and finally this is what I carried to my house: 6 KES 100 airtimes, 4 KES 50 airtimes and 10 KES 20 airtimes. Mind you, all from different shops.

In this place, never bother to look for packed milk or Mala, we don’t stock such ‘unfresh’ stuff here, we get it straight from the cow!

Dare you stay in town past 2130 hrs even on a proper weekend, I say make sure you have your own ride or you have with you enough cab fare, and by enough, I do not mean KES 1000, seriously!

Anyway, this place might not be convenient, but I do get whatever I want somehow, so I’m staying put!

Now you know I don’t live in Kayole, Umo, Mlolongo, Githurai… and I have never kid myself at any point that you guys think I come from upstate areas such as Valley Arcade or Kitusuru or or or…

A detailed recap

Sometimes you are lucky to come across a person with whom you share something so deep and special, and I have had the honor of having that. I am not here to brag though, not at all. Infact, my special ended, sometime back, and I know many have experienced a death of something special so I am not here to waste your time with my tears either. The reason I am here is because I feel there is unfinished business between us, and that we are not us anymore, not because we were such a bad match, but because so much between us was never said. I feel the need to keep my end of the bargain by speaking out, and because it’s likely that I will never have a chance to meet and express myself, here I am, pouring my sentiments to you ..., and any of your visitors who cares to listen.

He was so rugged, unshaved, rough… he was tall, huge, and disturbingly handsome, he was nothing short of a mini god. He over and over again managed to take my breath away. His eyes so sharp, it’s like he could see right through me. I kept talking and talking, and he was such a good listener. That was day 1 of meeting him. By the end of the day, I felt completely overwhelmed, I laughed so hard, I talked a lot, revealed too much, I touched, we held hands, I hang on to his arm, I leaned on him for support, everything you would think about in a fantasy, (without the 2 extremely intimate activities), all of it happened on that first day.

Over time, things got better. We could talk all day long, I listened to him talk about his victories proudly, pride that I found so appealing. I listened to him talk about his life, as I talked about mine. We met, unfortunately, not as often as I would have wanted. We kissed, stripped, slowly made love, then fast, then again, and again and again, I lost count. It was the same each time we met, magical. We matched so well, our hands fit together so well, our love making, our climaxes so spontaneous. We would bundle up in each other’s arms, sleep a bit, talk a bit, tease a bit, look deep into each other’s eyes, kiss, tease, make love, sleep, talk, kiss tease, make love…later we would park by the road side and talk for hours until it was time for me to leave.

He taught me so much, to persevere, to love life, to have fun, to read, to write, words, cool words, hard words, dirty words, about cars and most importantly music. He loves music and everything music. He taught me to take life lightly, he wrote about me, and I saved it. I had dreams and fantasies and I shared them. I built our house in my head, I saw our little ones…

As heavenly as it was in my head, things did not turn out so well in real life. We barely met, we took our jokes and teasing too far. We took what we had for granted. I was scared, and acted as such, and it was not good. He became a bit tense too, withdrawn, our not so close meetings drifted further, we fought more, lied too much… our relationship died a natural death.

The magic is not dead though. I still think of him all the time, I have tried moving on, meeting other guys, but none compares. I wish he knew how special he was to me, he still is. The way it ended, so abruptly. I never got a chance to tell him how good he made me feel, how proud I was whenever I hang on him arm as we walked across town, how restless I was whenever I anticipated meeting him, how free I felt whenever he sat across me listening to my never ending tales, how good he looked as he looked deep in my eyes  trying to study me, how each sight of him made me a little more helpless than I was before, how self conscious I felt each time we sat to chat after a whole day of wild love making, how his name was the song of my heart…so much to tell him.

I also wish to tell him a number of things I regret. How I regret not standing up to his lies, how I regret not making more demands to meet more often, how I regret letting the teasing and jokes get out of hand, how I regret my inability to express myself and my feelings to him, how I regret not taking time to assure him, to tell him that I saw the dark cloud that he was hiding from me, to tell him that he need not have kept me away, that I longed to share in his miseries, make it all ok, that he needed not drown his sorrows every weekend in poisonus waters, because I was here for him, willing to listen and willing to walk it with him, willing to be there for him till he healed of all his wounds to a point no scar remained, even if it meant that would be my work for the rest of my life, (especially because that is what I really wanted, to be his fall back for the rest of our lives), I regret not taking control of the relationship, because even the bible says that a woman is the driver in a relationship, I regret not asking kindly that he not give up on me, to understand my silence, to recognize my fears, like he did (Yes he asked me not to give up on him). I regret so much.

I wish to tell him that I LOVE him, I love him right, left and centre. And that if he could only take that risk with me all over again, I would make it worth his while, I would take control of what we have and lead him to his Eden.

Thank you for listening.

Leaving in peace!

You simply do not know what love is.

You do not do things that hurt the one you love over and over again

You do not go out and have fun when the one you love is hurting because of your actions.

You do not make rough and unfair decisions to cut the one you love out of the most important days.

When you are in love, you rarely see any mistakes in the other person, leave alone finding mistakes where there are none.

When you are in love, you do not sit and watch your loved one and their kid suffer while you do nothing to help, even if it means returning a kind hand that was extended to you with utmost love by the same people.

What I am saying is, you use the word love wrongly, you have no idea what it is or what it stands for. The day that you will be able to, please take that girls hand, the one who has finally shown you the way, and put a ring on it. I am not that girl though, I am too weak, and my heart is not big enough for such a challenge.

Right now, it really doesn't matter anymore, not even remotely.